Perfect Brightness of Hope

2 Nephi 31:20

20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

I notice as I grow closer to Heavenly Father, my hope grows perfect in Him. I can more readily see possibilities in things that maybe at one point looked like gigantic barriers.  My imagination for what my future could bring and how things might even come to pass is so much more expansive.  I really do believe that with God, anything is possible.   He is creative, all knowing, loving and perfect.  What is it about those qualities that would not bring a surge of hope despite any set of unfortunate events.  I hope because of Him.  I know the power of God is real.  I can feel it in my heart.  I can tell when He is close and how my hope in all things grows brighter when I rely on him.  

Thanks and giving

I just got home from church a few minutes ago and I felt a surge of gratitude for so many things in my life.  I was hurriedly putting clothes away and cleaning up and felt prompted to get on my knees and express the feelings of gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I noticed as I verbalized the feelings and thoughts of my heart, the gratitude grew even greater.

I am so thankful for my life.  I am so grateful for my good health.  I am healthy and strong.  My body has never let me down.  I am so grateful for having my basic needs provided for, always.  I am grateful for my parents being willing to help me out until I get back on my feet again by letting me live with them.  I am so grateful that I was blessed with three beautiful children.  They are amazing people and I am grateful that God entrusted them to me.  I am grateful for my friends.  I have been blessed with amazing friends.  They have enriched my life and I don't know how I could survive without them.  I am grateful for the Gospel and my knowledge of its truthfulness.  I am grateful for being able to go to the temple weekly to renew my perspective and dedication to living well. I am grateful for my education and my career.  It is a perfect opportunity to be in a position to serve others with my whole heart and get paid for it so I can take care of my children.  I am grateful for this amazing country.  I am grateful for my sense of humor.  It helps me uplift others and not take too many things too seriously.  I am grateful for the desire Heavenly Father has implanted in me to love Him and trust in Him.  This desire will benefit me forever.  I am grateful for the hope I have of the continued stream of good things the Lord will continue to bless me with if I just look to Him to find real joy and purpose. I am grateful for all these things.

She had a dream...

This morning Alivia woke up talking fast, really fast. She was talking about how she just did a flip in the air and pointed her toes.  She said she wanted to go do a flip in the air 'right now'.  I assumed she must have had a dream about flying in the air.  I asked her for more details.  She said she flew on her scooter with Beck and Bella (the Pomeranians that live with us now).  She explained she was holding onto them with their leashes and she was ready to go fly with them right now.  I laughed at her and she quickly jumped off the bed to go make her dreams come true.  My sister Monica heard her with the dogs soon after and Uncle Brian stopped her from flying with the dogs.  She came back downstairs with a leash in her hands mumbling something about how 'mean' Uncle Brian was being.  He must have interfered with her much anticipated flight with the dogs and her scooter.  She said, " I guess I have to just go fly by myself!" 

I laughed so much to see this girl attempt to go fly on her scooter up, up, up and away.  She didn't even consider that flying would not be a possibility.  I loved it!  And if there was a way to figure out flying, she would have definitely done it.  She is spicy.  She is a force of nature.  I look forward to seeing her take off like an airplane as she realizes her dreams, her capabilities and gifts.  There is going to be some serious turbulence!  

All in a days work!

7:00 a.m  Wake up and get ready for work.  Luckily right now Friday is the only day of the week I have to leave my kids with a sitter all day.

8:00 am  to 3:00 pm  Meet with 7 clients for therapy.  I really, really enjoyed it.  I always feel uplifted and grateful after meeting with my clients.  One of my clients told me today,"People ask me how therapy is going and I say it is so wonderful.  I have learned so much!"  That comment gives me so much joy.  I know I am where I am suppose to be in helping people heal their lives and hearts.  I am so lucky I am able to be used in this capacity.  I don't even have words for how powerful it is for me to serve this way.

5:00 pm  My kids and I went to the school carnival.  They loved winning prizes and playing games.  These kids are intense but they are so lovable.  I still can't believe those 3 persons are mine to raise and teach. That's a big job!

7:00 pm   I met this really nice guy for a 2nd date in Salt Lake City.  We went to grab some sushi to eat and walked around City Creek.

10:00 pm  Halloween dance where I danced and danced to my heart's content.   It was exactly what I needed.

The biggest motivator of all

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who no longer believes in the Gospel.  Part of his argument was that he doesn't want to subscribe to beliefs that boil everything down into either avoiding going to hell or trying to get to heaven.  The main motivation being fear or maybe even reward.  Whatever his argument was, I really thought about it.  I thought about what made me get up in the morning at 6 am today to go to the temple. I thought about what draws me to pray to my Heavenly Father regularly.  Is it fear of going to hell or looking for some great reward like heaven?  I thought about what the motivations behind trying to treat my children well and to try and become a better mother.  I thought about what pushes me to learn more in my career.  And what makes me get up and try and again when I really don't want to anymore.  Is it because I don't want to burn in hell or because I am worried about not getting 40 virgins after I die? ;)

I think the biggest motivator that leads me to change or to try harder or to do better is my love for my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I love them so much.  And I think if my measly little heart can connect with that love and as a result create things in my life that are good, it is no wonder that God can move mountains and create an Earth because of His unconditional love.  I realize His true motivation is love for everything He chooses to do.  This thought makes me feel really happy.  This thought helps me trust Him.  I feel connected to Him because I know what it feels like to have so much love for someone who is struggling and want to ease their burdens. That I can see of little of Him in me brings me courage.  It brings me courage to be a better witness for Him.  I want to represent Him the best I can.  I was talking to one of my friends and explained that I would love my life to somehow be a living testament of God's magnificent power.  I am nothing.  And anything that is something great in my life is because of Him.  I have a control group to compare it to.  When I am in tune with Him, I am who He wants me to be.  When I'm not, I'm just a ridiculous human being.  I can put it to the test.

I think I can understand a portion of what He sees and how He works when I connect with His love.  I think as I become more like Him, I will see others with only more compassion and tremendous love.  I will love everyone the same regardless of what they look like, what they do or how they think.  I'm far from this, but I want to strive for that because I want to be just like Him.   And why do I want to do this?  Because I love Him and trust in Him.

This guy and I talked to for a couple hours.  When we were about to depart he said, "If your religion does what you say it does, helps you love others more, then I guess I have no argument for it."  He said he appreciated our interaction and would like to even by my friend.  I felt like I stood as a decent witness for God and helped him feel what God feels for him.  And sometimes that is the only interaction some people will have with Him.  And I am honored to be able to stand in His place. I think this is what makes a good servant.  And I hope I can do this more often, even when it is difficult.

The Big Coordinator

There was a talk given during General Conference that I jotted down some notes as I listened to it.  The question the speaker asked was, "How have I intervened in others lives and how have others come into my life?"  I wrote down a few lists.  The lists included all of the people who have come into my life because I needed their help and the people that entered into my life in order for me to help.  I thought about how they came into my life and the delicate timing of it all.  As I made the lists, I also noticed the times when myself and another person benefitted at the same time and needed each other at the same time.  How unique these opportunities have been.

I was amazed to see how careful the Lord is in his coordinating efforts and timing.  He is the ultimate event planner.  I can look back and see how people were placed into my life at a certain point so that they could assist me later down the road when I needed their help.  For example, when I lived in Arizona I always felt a desire to create a very strong support network of women.  When I was in quite a quandary, I was able to call upon these women to strengthen me.  I still look back at the experiences I had with these women as some of the most powerful and healing times in my life.   I was carried through a very difficult time.  And I can look back and see the Lord preparing for this so I would be cared for appropriately.

When I moved to Utah, miraculously I was able to connect with quite a few women who were going through divorce just like me within a month of first moving.  Some had experienced infidelity as well and were struggling with how to be a single parent.  I was able to turn to them so many times when I felt lost and hopeless.  I relied on these women so much and their relationships served an important part in my healing and growth.  I know this was no coincidence.

I know the Lord is in the details of my life, especially if I allow Him to be in them.  I can see how I've always had my needs met by Him.  I have always been cared for because of His great love for me.  When I was at a fireside I scribbled a thought down as the speaker discussed the power of the Spirit.  I wrote, "The Light of Christ ensures coordination of tasks that will bring the series of events necessary in bringing forth the most joy possible for human beings."  This gives me peace as there are so many unknowns in my life right now.

Tender Mercies

It's late.  I was suppose to go to sleep early.  I want to know what it feels like to get 8 hours of sleep.  Today was a great day.  There were a lot of things I noticed today that I was so grateful for.  Some of them were:

-Dancing with Alivia to beautiful music.  She is my little shadow and I am so happy she was sent to me from Heavenly Father.  I'm learning so much from her.  I don't want to ever let her down.

-Making peanut butter cookies with my boys.  Alex is an amazing person.  He is getting to be so helpful.  He has the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen.  I like to just look at him and learn about him. I can tell there is so much to him.  I love being able to appreciate my children for the people they are.  I believe children know so much more than adults.  I want my children to see that I see them and notice what is in their hearts. I am careful not to squash their power, courage and wisdom.  I learn so much from my kids just being mindful that their hearts are still so pure and they are so much closer to heaven than I am.  They are unconditional in their openness and I am always so impressed with their ability to love without fear.  I love to grab my little Camden and just hug and kiss him as much as I can.  I can feel something so innocent and powerful within him and all my children.  If I am too rushed, I cannot see it or feel it.  I look at my children almost as magical beings.  And I am grateful to them for sharing their magic with me.

-One of my friend's bore her testimony today to me while we were talking on the phone.  I love to connect deeply with others.  Her testimony made me cry.  She and I have been through similar things and I love it that I can receive hope from others' testimonies.

-I had a wonderful, long nap.

-Church:  The lesson taught me that my testimony and knowledge of the Savior needs to be firmly planted.  The adversary can make me even doubt what I know right now or what has happened in my life. I know that is real because I have met so many people who have had a strong faith and completely lost it.  I thought about the miracles that people became hardened to and I realized that my knowledge and faith in the Gospel and in Jesus Christ would not change at all if an angel came down to me and told me everything was true. Why? Because I already know.  I was surprised to be able to see it that way and it helped me know I have been blessed to have tremendous faith.  I know God lives. I know Christ lives.  And I know this is His Gospel.  And nothing could make me know it more.  It is already so alive in me.

-An old friend form Louisiana called me up this morning and I was able to go visit with her for a couple hours.  It was great to see her.  It is wonderful to see friends that are doing well and to see them happy.


-Consultants: I have a ton of consultants.  For instance I received a really long email from a guy that I have been getting to know.  He wants to be exclusive.  I think for where the relationship is( I've known him for just a couple weeks) the request is sort of weird and worrisome.  I am able to talk with quite a few consultants (friends) and really work my thoughts and feelings out so I can have more clarity on how to move forward.  They are all like, "RUN!"

Light!!!!

This song is called Light.  I love the images this song creates in my mind of renewal, rebirth, second chances, heaven and anything else where light is seen.  Here it be!  Fast forward it to 1:45 because that is where the song starts.  This man is genius.

The power of music

I went to a concert Saturday night.  The band is called Book on Tape Worm. I waited over a year to listen to this group's first album.  I was so excited to listen to them.  I know what I heard a over a year ago was something very special.  This man's voice brings me chills.  The words are perfect.   The piano and the cello are two of my favorite instruments and they are in every song.  So all I can say is this music was made just for me.  I feel so happy when I listen to it.

Here are the words.  I feel them.  I am grateful for people who know how to put feelings into perfect words that I have experienced recently.  It helps me to move through my pain.

In a forest of blanket trees I met you among the leaves with shadow puppets chasing me.  You said, "they're just hands, look, you see?"  and we spoke mostly through cans and strings-is it any wonder we don't understand anything?

What I didn't say is, "I let go of you and watched you float away like a handful of balloons." I saw your face in a nimbus cloud, you were crying rain and thinning out and writing lightning messages.  In the sky's margins you wrote presages.  You tapped your foot so rapidly, it's morse code for me to leave. So I suppose I'll go and we'll see if its'm me back to you or you back to me.  Then to my dismay, I let go of you and watched you float away like a handful of balloons.  

Love comes in so many different ways

I have noticed an outpouring of love from my God recently.  He is everywhere.  I feel Him so close.  I can feel Him especially when I am around others.  I feel Him in the exchanges I have with others.  I know that is when His presence is strongest.  I am reading a great book right now called "Pathway to Love".  I just barely started reading it today and I am really enjoying it because it talks about how we can only know God truly through the experience of love.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  Whatever gets in the way of loving also gets in the way of knowing Him.  I can think of a lot of things that can distort or sicken love.  And the same thing goes for loving myself too.  I am guilty of that at times.

I have always noticed when I am feeling the Spirit testify of God's power and truth that there is an abundance of love.  I have heard it described in so many ways.  A warm blanket, a burning in the bosom, a peace.  It is like a metal detector.  I am trying to be more mindful and grateful of those times I can notice a directive,"Dig here!" There is a richness in His love that my words cannot describe.  Like I said, it is everywhere.  Especially when I feel God is close to me.  And I can especially notice I am close to Him when I can easily see others with kindness and openness.  I connect with that love and it is spills over.  It has a ton of energy.  I feel blessed I am able to expend it on my children and in my work with my clients who are in great need on a daily basis.

It has been so beautiful in Utah the last week.  My sister and I drove up the canyon to a place called Sundance.  The sun was so bright.  The skies clear.  The air was perfect.  The leaves were beautiful. Everything worked together so well and it made me feel happy and so grateful.  He provided that experience.  He knows how to create joy.  It was an indication that He is a God of joy and happiness.  He provides beautiful things because He loves me.

I have really been enjoying getting to know an amazing man the last couple weeks.  He is such a pleasant person to be around.  I never hear him talk bad about anyone or tear anyone down.  He is happy.  He is caring.  I appreciate this experience so much.  He is open about how he sees me and what he thinks about me.  The best word I can use to describe how the experience of getting to know him has been so far is sweet.  There are no strange intentions between the two of us.  It is just two people interested in getting to know each other.  I read some of the things he says to me over and over again because his words mean a lot to me.  I haven't know him very long, but I appreciate his thoughts.  I was able to spend some time with him last night unexpectedly.  He was pulled off a flight and happen to have a free evening.  I hesitantly sent him a text that said, "Call me if you want company."  He said he was invited to a birthday party and said he would rather hang out with me. We went to a silly improve show but we laughed a lot anyways.  He said he was excited to go so he could hear me laugh, that my laugh makes him feel happy.  He held my hand everywhere we went.  He is very generous.  We talked till 3 a.m.  When I got home I texted him,"I'm home. Have a good night.  I had fun tonight. Thank you."  He responded, "I had a very nice night as well.  Thank you. You are awesome."  He is awesome too.

I woke up and felt a lot of gratitude for having the opportunity to associate with this kind man.  I thanked my Heavenly Father and for right now  I am just enjoying this experience of developing a friendship.  It's all I need from him right now.  He is really special.

I have loved having a little more emotional energy to express affection and love to my children since I my broken heart has been on the up and up.  I love squeezing them.  I love telling them why they are wonderful people.  I love providing things that they cannot provide for themselves yet.  I'm still kind of shocked that I have 3 children.  My main goal is to love them more than anything else.  I want to reflect to them how lovable and perfect they are so they don't ever forget.

I attended a conference for women in my church last night.  The messages were so powerful.  They talked about the nurturing nature of Christ.  I know that He knows how to care for me because He suffered for my sins and infirmities so he would know what I need.  I think that is why the lesson to ask Him for what I need is such an important one.  He already knows, but the humility and faith included in the asking allows Him to intervene.  The Spirit was so strong.  I was so grateful to be able to feel it and know what was being taught was true.

I have enjoyed so many of my friendships with my girlfriends too.  Women are amazing.  I benefit so much from their love and kindness too.  Life feels very full right now.  And I am so grateful for this fullness.  I don't ever want to take these special moments for granted.

Sundance in the Fall

 Me in the Fall ;)

A very bright day

I woke up this morning and said my prayers before the morning rat race started.  I prayed that I would figure the things out that I need to figure out and to learn how to trust in God more to have the wonderful things in my life unfold the way He wants them to. I am trying my best to move forward with faith and to be optimistic.  I am asking for things.

I hurriedly got my kids ready for school and then jumped in my car to head to work.  Unexpectedly my eyes welled up with tears and I felt an enormous amount of gratitude, joy and peace during my drive.  I cried and cried and drove slow because I didn't want to interfere with this awesome experience.  A lot of the things that were clear in my mind while I drove to work was a complete awareness of so many of the people and events that I have meant so much to me.  I had so much hope for my future and had a peace that my life will be full of wonderful things if I continue to be obedient and trust in the Lord.  I felt joy for the variety of experiences I have had and the unique experiences I will continue to have.

This experience taught me that He is listening and giving me an indication that everything will be fine.  I am on the right path and I know my life will be beautiful.  I am excited for the possibilities.

Do I ask?

Mosiah 8:20  How marvelous are the works of the Savior, and how long doth He suffer with His people: yeah and how blind and impenetrable are the understandings of the children of men; for they do not seek wisdom.

When I read this it helped me understand why it is so important that I am regularly connected to the Lord because if I don't spend enough time being taught by Him, I can really get all wrapped up in my own thoughts regardless if they are true or not.  I can get really far off track.  It is crucial that there is constant knowledge and information coming to us about what it is we need to do and about who we really are from the Lord.

I must seek wisdom, look for it, long for it, study and ponder, search, pray and think.  The Lord knows we are fickle and He is even willing to work with that.  I haven't always sought wisdom, but when I have the Lord has always been merciful, compassionate and giving.  The Lord hears my cries, he answers my prayers.  He has helped me go forward with might when I am scared.

I have at times felt overwhelmed with feeling stuck in something or unsure of the direction I need to go.  I have forgotten to ask the Lord for help because I either forget or don't trust in Him enough.  When I go in this direction for too long, my heart does start to change.  I notice bitterness can fill it much more easily.

Mosiah 10:14 Wroth because they understand not the dealings of the Lord; they were wroth with him upon the waters because they hardened their hearts against the Lord.

1Nephi 15:8 Have ye inquired of the Lord? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?  If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask in faith believing, and ask in faith believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments surely these things shall be made known unto you.  

I think this the beauty of personal revelation between the Lord and ourselves.  This is the order the Lord expects from us in order to enable true communion with Him.  When I don't submit, repent, inquire and trust I begin to boast in my own strength, my heart becomes more hardened. And I am more likely to be found in bondage or sin, and even bitterness can begin to grow against the word of God.

The Lord is adamant about truth being planted in our hearts.  If my heart is ready, which is made possible through seeking, submitting, repenting, trusting, searching and asking…I will  be nourished and taught.  If those seeds can be planted firmly in my heart, not just my mind, chances are I will follow His promptings.  The Lord creates things.  I know he can create beautiful things in my life too.  I am certain what He can construct out of my life will be wonderful.

Jesus Christ's Compassion

I was asked to write a page on one of the stories of Christ and how it relates to me and my life.  I was reading in Mark and the verses that spoke to my heart was where Jesus heals blind Bartimaeus.  In Mark 10:47-52 it reads:

And when he heard it was Jesus of Nazereth, he began to cry out, and say, Jesus, thou Son of David, have mercy on me. And many charged him that he should hold his peace: but he cried that more a great deal, Thou Son of David, have mercy on me.  And Jesus stood still, and commanded him to be called, And they called the blind man, saying unto him, Be of good comfort, rise; he calleth thee. And he, casting away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus. And Jesus Answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?  The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive sight.  And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole.  And immediately he received sight, and followed Jesus in the way.

How miraculous, hope filled is this simple set of verses.  I love the messages inside this story.  First of all, Bartimaeus needed the Savior so much that he cried out for him repeatedly.  He was persistent.  He knew he needed help.  I love the deep level of humility illustrated by his asking and asking.  When I am on my knees asking Heavenly Father for help, I am in a better position to receive.  My heart and mind are turned to Him.

The next part I adore about this story is that Jesus asked Bartimaeus what he needed from him.  This very simple, but profound exchange teaches me the importance of asking God for things that I am in need of like my children ask for things from me.  A perfect being having a normal exchange with an ordinary human being.  And with all His might and power, he wants to give me what I believe I am in need of.  For me, that speaks to the great degree of compassion the Savior has for my needs.  He wants to know what I think and feel.  He wants to take care of me.

After Bartimaeus asks for what he needs, Jesus gives him what he needs.  And this because of the great faith he had.  He had enough faith to ask and enough faith to receive.  I know it is my faith in Jesus Christ that will allow Him to make me whole.  He stands ready to provide what I need.  I just need to follow Him and believe in His name.

A Beautiful Heart

I want to make sure I continually make an effort to write about spiritual lessons, ideas, experiences, thoughts and feelings so my children can know how having the Gospel in my life influenced me and strengthened me.  The last couple of days as I was studying my scriptures the words that stood out the most to me were 'hearts purified'.  I love the image this creates in my mind of hearts being purified.  One of the verses cross referenced when I looked up purification was D&C 50:24 "That which of God is light and he that receiveth light and continueth in God, receiveth more light and that light groweth brighter and brighter until that perfect day.

I am having a crisis of faith right now.  Not that I don't believe in God or anything.  I think I am just so hurt by the outcome of the relationship I was in and really for the first time in my life feel pretty angry at the suffering I have to go through.  And for some reason this is the first time I have noticed I want to  direct my anger towards God.  I honestly have to ask myself if He has abandoned me.  I know my circumstances are not His fault. I never felt this way even when some very tragic events unfolded in my life a couple years ago.  I always felt really close to the Lord through these difficulties.  For some reason this loss is overwhelmingly defeating.  I know I won't give up. But to feel forgotten by my Heavenly Father is terrifying. I assume there is a lesson in this very trying situation.  I feel completely alone.

However, I will continue to do what is right.  I will continue to pour my heart out to Him.  I will be obedient.  I joked around around with my sister the other day and said I'm so mad I want to go get a tattoo.  For some reason my degree of humiliation was calling for a tattoo!  Is that why there are so many tattoos out there?  People putting tatts over their pain.  I totally get it now.  I wonder what image would suffice to speak for my pain ;)  It would be something profound, like a triple headed dog.  How cathartic!

I probably won't rebel out of my frustration like I said.  I'm pretty boring that way.  If I have a choice of my heart either being hardened or purified by this experience, I want to choose the later.  I know there is a choice.  I am do my best to submit to whatever it is I need to experience with enough trust in Heavenly Father that He is there even though I don't feel Him near right now.  And regardless of what He can do or not do for me right this minute, I will love Him still.

I believe this is one way my heart will be purified.  If I can continue to do what He expects of me, without any worry of reward or payment, I believe my heart will grow brighter and brighter till that perfect day.  I am committed to my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I am committed to my heart.  I won't ever let go of Him.

I think He can handle a portion of my anger.  My reaction I think is similar to when I started to have contractions with each of my babies and the anesthesiologist could not come fast enough.  One time the anesthesiologist was taking way too long.  He had a few more laboring mothers ahead of me.  I was angry at him for not taking my pain away sooner.  I blamed him.  But it was not his fault. I think this is how I feel right now towards God.  He is wise in His decisions of when and how to intervene.  I am willing to open my heart to that knowledge and put my whole life in His hands.  I know He loves me.  And that is just enough to keep hanging on.  

My Children

I took my 2 year old daughter out for yogurt the other day.  I told her I was taking her on a 'date'.  She asked me what a 'date' was and I said it was a time for us to talk about whatever she wants and for me to learn about her.  I think I was a good date.  I made sure to tell her all the things I love about her.  I said that I loved her cute laugh and how funny she is.  I complimented her hair.  I told her that I loved her very much and that she was wonderful.  I think she even blushed.  Anyways, what an amazing blessing that little woman is to me and will be to the world.

Gotta Have Faith, Faith, Faith

I notice I may be a little short on faith right now.  I have even started to pray for it the last few nights because it kinda fills like my faith boat has a small leak in it.  I for sure know some of the choices I have made that widen the hole.  I'm trying to repair that as quickly as I can.  For sure some tough experiences have torn at the leak.  But I am figuring that out.  I'm not going to let my boat sink.  I just need to patch up the small leaks.

I know when I am lacking in faith, nothing happens in my life. It's like I am trying to move some object off of the table without even touching it when I am operating without faith in my life.  No matter how hard I stare at it, the object doesn't move an inch.  I can trail off a bunch of words like 'help me', 'please forgive me', give me' without any problem.  But when I am lacking in faith the words feel empty.  They go nowhere.

Today I decided to attend an extra Sunday school class at another ward/church and I am so happy I did.  The teacher started the lesson by saying she is going to be talking about practical applications of faith.  The teacher said she loves to learn from stories in the scriptures where people did everything they were suppose to, but crap still happened. I was pretty excited because that's what I have been trying to work on too.  Believing in Him no matter what comes my way.

She first asked the class how we respond when we experience hurt, disappointment or are dropped by another person.  She asked if we blame someone else, give up, blame ourselves.  Or do we go the Lord to work out the situation.  Her main point was to say that it doesn't matter who drops us or hurts us when we are safely held up by the Lord.  

She made an interesting point about the Israelites who were lost in the wilderness for 40 years.  She said the actual distance they needed to travel to get out of the wilderness was 11 miles. And instead they went around and around that mountain, never advancing in their journey for 40 years! She asked us what are some of the mountains in our lives that we keep going around without getting anywhere.  

Another story in the Bible she used to demonstrate faith was the story of David and Goliath.  I loved what she said about David, how he went forth shouting what he was going to do in faith. He said:

1 Samuel 17:46 This day will the Lord ^adeliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may^bknow that there is a God in Israel.

I love this point.  I am going to try and make more of an effort to say the things I am going to do because of my faith.  What I am willing to do because I believe.  This is how my faith comes alive and grows, by doing things and moving.

She talked about the story of sowing seeds.  If our ground is not prepared, nothing can take root.  I cannot ask the Lord to give me things if I am not reliable.  When in my life have I been reliable and what have I received as a result/what has taken root? VERSUS When in my life has my soil not been prepared, when I have been unreliable and what did I not receive as a result?  I have to be ready to receive what the Lord is trying to plant.  He already has the path made, we just need to be faithfully connected to Him in obedience to benefit.

Other things she said that I loved was the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his son Isaac.  The teacher pointed out that she never understood why He would do something like that to Abraham.  She said she really had a hard time with it.  She said she finally realized that all of the things the Lord asks of us is not for Him.  Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham.  There is critical learning to take place about ourselves in our obedience and our sacrifice.  

She shared a personal experience she had in the temple recently.  She said for weeks she had been praying about some concerns and that every time she prayed for it, she would get NOTHING.  She decided to go to the temple and the same thing happened there. She said she left the temple feeling very angry with God because she thought He was messing around with her life.  She asked Him, "Why are you not there for me right now!?" She said a tremendous amount of joy and peace filled her body, joy that she said she had never felt before and a voice said to her, "Be patient with me. I've been patient with you."  She said for her this is the truest form of faith. Knowing He will pull through, continuing to be obedient and going forward regardless of what happens or doesn't happen.  

She compared Eclesiasticus to Job, one man who was given everything and at the end of his life, felt like he had nothing.  And another man, Job, who at a time lost everything but was able to know with complete certainty that his Redeemer lives.  I can see how the experiences God gives us are opportunities to work on our relationship with Him.  I think to know with certainty that He is there for me is priceless.  And each of my difficult experiences have been just one more way to know that He will not drop me. He will always be there for me, even when nobody else can.  

It's all good

Payson, Utah

I sat down on a rock today and stared out at that mountain for quite awhile.  I did as I tell my clients to do and took in a few deep breaths and noticed the smells, sounds, textures and sights around me. It was much more beautiful in person.  Utah is a great place for connecting with nature.  I definitely don't take advantage of the outdoors like I should.  I just wanted to post this picture to capture a moment when everything in my world was just fine.  I live in the best country. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children.  I know God and Jesus Christ live.  I am healthy too.  I love my job.  I have a lot of support and good people in my life that care and love me.  I have all the necessities of this life.  

More gratitude

I just want to write down some of my thoughts about how grateful I am for all the people who have tried to comfort me during this difficult time.  The last time I went through something this difficult I only got through it because of other people and God.  I have been able to share my feelings, doubts, fears, dreams, faith and pain with many of my good friends lately.  I am indebted to them and their listening ear.  Some of those people I want to remember that have been so gracious to me are:

My Bishop: He is a man of service. He is mindful of those around him, including me. He regularly offers to give me blessings and reminds me when I am discouraged that I am a wonderful daughter of God.  The other day I said something that made him laugh. I said, "I wish I could just be one of those people that just give up." He said, "Jessica, you won't ever give up because you have too strong of a testimony." I appreciate his feedback.  And its true. I won't ever give up.
My home teacher: He always checks in with me to see how I am doing.  He is also a good reminder of men that serve faithfully in the Gospel and preside over their families in righteousness. I sometimes think that its a big myth.  But his example tells me there are men who are loyal to their covenants and take being a father and a husband very seriously. And he has an extreme love of the Gospel. His understanding of it is inspiring.
Monica: My sister is very similar to me and gets most everything about me.  She told me today that I was stronger than her.  She said that I do things she would never be able to do.  This has mentioned this on a few occasions. I don't realize this about myself, but when I get these messages about myself, it helps me see me in a more realistic way.  These comments are very supportive.  She is always willing to listen and share her thoughts with me.  I feel important when she can listen to all my drama even though it is probably boring.
My mother: My mother has relieved at least 50% of the burden of being a single parent. She helps watch my kids, she cooks wonderful meals for me.  She sometimes washes my laundry.  I don't think I have ever heard her complain since I moved my 3 children into her home almost 3 years ago.  This is Christ-like behavior and I will forever be indebted to her.  She was meant to be my mom.
Josefina:  This woman would never judge me, despite how retarded I can be.  She checks in with me sometimes 3 times a day.  I can call her anytime I need her. And when I text,"I need your help!", she calls me back within a few minutes.  She helps me feel not so alone.  She makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and not take myself so seriously.  Tonight she told me when she called me that she looks up to me because I am strong.  I appreciate hearing that.  I am grateful that I can be an example to other women.
Lindsay: I have known her since I was in 9th grade.  We have similar senses of humor.  She has had a tough life, but she has maintained her character despite it all.  When I talked to her yesterday, she said she wanted to let me know that I am "so good".  I laughed and asked her what she meant. She said out of out of everyone she has met in her life, I am one of the most decent people she has known.  How kind is that?! I accepted it.  I will not take myself for granted.  With all the negative bombardment from life, I so appreciate this kind of verbal support. It means so much to me.
Angie:  This girl saved my life in Arizona.  She was with me every minute basically to get me out of a bad situation. And then she always was very direct about how she saw my ex husband and how he was a "snake" and to never, ever trust him.  I relied on her so much the past 3 years.   She is direct. She will always be direct with me, even if it hurts.  She will always listen to all my stories. The phrase she has repeated to me a dozen times since I have started this single journey is, "You will be just fine".  She said if I can survive what Clayton did to me, I can survive anything.  I think that is true.
Angela: She is a therapist just like me.   Perhaps that is why we get along so well. We met probably 10 years ago. She has been with me throughout many of my trials. She is kind to me.  She has wonderful advice.  She is an emotionally healthy woman.  And she cares about me.  She is even coming for a visit in September.
Sonia:  I have known Sonia for about 12 years.  I touch base with her every few months.  Today when I talked with her she told me I needed to get a grip.  She said I make her laugh a lot.  That is one of the best compliments you can pay me.
Tanya:  I have known Tanya for a couple years since I moved here to Utah.   We are both divorced, single moms and therapists who have had a bad start with bad marriages and are looking forward to a 2nd chance. She is open with me about her life and her struggles. I appreciate her honesty.  She told me that she really values my friendship and talking to me.  Thank you.
Kristin:  Her and I were hanging out a couple days ago and let me share my feelings about my relationship.  She said I did not seem as happy when I was dating Tyson as I was before I got serious with him.  I know people will have a lot of things to say after a relationship ends.  But I need to hear my friends' honesty.  She cared enough about me to tell me.  She is married now so I presume I will see less of her, but I appreciate how hard she tries to live the Gospel and be happy despite her difficult divorce. She seems really happy.


Those are just some of the people I have been able to connect with in the last few days.  They are a varied group, all with something to offer and teach me.  I love people.  My connections with others sustain me.  I have been praying to receive more opportunities to meet people and socialize.  Just the last week since my break up I have been invited to parties, bbq's, concerts, Seven Peaks, and Las Vegas x 2.  I am excited for my life to start anew.  I remembered where I was after my divorce. I was excited to take part in life and had an optimistic view of the future.  I was at peace. I was close to God. I  knew I had a lot to learn. I will get back there. And it will probably be even better.

Promptings, psychics and prayer

I think we all want to know what is going to happen in the future. For me, I like to know what might happen so I can either prepare or know what choices I need to make to get to the right destination.  I know we are given promptings and feelings that give us some clues about what will be brought to pass.    For example, I knew very early on when I got pregnant with my first child that my baby was a boy.  I would tell people that I sense a very strong male presence.  Funny thing, he is a force to reckon with to this day 8 years later.  For some reason I was given that connection to my son Alex before he was even born.  I look back and think about that experience and it helps me know that he was sent to me for specific reasons and that Heavenly Father has a great plan.  This experience helps me know that there are reasons I am his mother and when things get tough, this knowledge gives me determination and purpose.

I have also been given feelings of warning about events that may occur so I can prepare appropriately.  A year before I found out about my ex husband's infidelity, I told him I felt like something really bad was going to happen to our family.  I remember sitting down with him to tell him I think we should really prioritize our lives and felt an urgency to do so.  I didn't receive exact information about what might happen if we didn't get things in order, but what I sensed would happen if things were not put in order was monumental.  And looking back I felt those same warnings probably starting when he became involved with other women behind my back.  I remembered crying to him once that I felt like we needed to move to Utah (where all of my family resides), that I felt like my time in Arizona was spent, that I no longer should be there.  And I knew nothing about his lies and deceit at the time. I never assumed that the reason I felt like Arizona was finished was because our family would be ending a year later due to his poor choices.

 I also prayed about whether I should move to Utah more than a year later after I found out about his infidelity.  I knew with 100% confidence after I said that prayer I must leave Arizona.  I remember after saying that prayer and receiving confirmation of my choice that the situation I was in was very serious.  A couple of weeks later, I had my house packed up and ready to move.  It was hard to leave my beautiful home and life behind, but that confirmation I recieved was direction from Heavenly Father about my future. He knew something I didn't know.  I put all my trust in Him, even though I was so scared to take that leap of faith, I acted fast.  That lesson in and of itself is a lesson that will change my life forever.  If I am given a prompting, I better act.  His promptings are time sensitive.  I found out months later with some court battles that if I left a week too late, I could have been stuck in Arizona and unable to leave.  I don't even want to know what would have happened if I didn't listen.

When I found out that the 'other woman' had become pregnant with twins, I was completely ruined.  I prayed to my Heavenly Father about my desires to at least try and be a family if only to give it my best attempt regardless of what my ex would choose.  I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter when I found out about this pregnancy. I was not sure how I would sustain myself to be healthy and strong.  I remember praying to Heavenly Father about the impact these twins lives would have on my own children, regardless of whether my marriage would end or not.  I was pained to even imagine how this would cause our children to feel. I asked God to consider my children's well being against the births of the other women's children.  I begged for Him to make this all go away.  I felt a prompting that I should not spend too much energy on this worry.  I remember telling my sister what I felt about the twins, that I was told not to worry. The only explanation at the time I could even think was that maybe she was lying.  But she had offered to release the ultrasound to us from the doctor to prove her pregnancy. I didn't feel like she was lying.  So I put my pain and worry about those twins on hold. I needed to get through my pregnancy. About a week after my baby was born, the other woman called to tell us her twins were still born.  Although that event in and of itself was very sad and only added to the destruction and havoc, I soon understood why I was told to be at peace with it all.   My Heavenly Father knew the future. 

I have had many other small miracles happen in my life that have helped me be in the right place and right time.  I have had promptings that were instrumental in getting me where I need to go.  I can say the really good things in my life have happened as a result of paying close attention to my instinct, which I know is God speaking to me.  All the tiny choices that resulted in my choice of profession and education began as small promptings.  Even particular friends I have met have come as a result of me acting on a suggestion.  Some of these friendships have served important purposes in my life and these friends have been exactly what I needed.  I do not look at all of these events as pure chance or coincidences. I am who I am today because I have stayed close to the Lord.  If there is anything decent or unique about me, it is because he has orchestrated events and experiences in my life to help me be who I am.  And I can't help feeling like who I am today or who I am developing into today is to prepare me for where I need to be in the future.  I want to get there.   I have a feeling that it is important.  I am important. 

Yesterday I had a woman tell me to ask her anything I wanted to know because she said she has always had a close connection to the other side since she was young.  Just to play around, I asked her if I would have another baby. She paused for a moment, and then said, "16 months and it will be a girl."  I don't really believe in psychics. And I don't really think I need to, even if they did know something I didn't know.  I know everything will happen the way it is suppose to if I pay attention.  I forget this a lot.  But when I remember everything that has happened in my life, I have always been taken care of.  I have always been given direction.  All I need to do is continue to submit to Him and trust that He will deliver. 

And maybe if I am lucky, I will have that baby girl. 

My Source of Light

I was reading my scriptures yesterday and found a bucket full of delight in this verse:


2 Nephi 31:3  For my soul delighteth in ^aplainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the ^bunderstanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their ^clanguage, unto their understanding.

And these verses

2 Nephi 32:3 ^aAngels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, ^bfeast upon the ^cwords of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will ^dtell you all things what ye should do.

 4 Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ^aask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

 5 For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will ^ashow unto you all things what ye should do.

 6 Behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he shall ^amanifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.

 7 And now I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the ^aunbelief, and the wickedness, and the ignorance, and the ^bstiffneckedness of men; for they will ^cnot search ^dknowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in ^eplainness, even as plain as word can be.

I sort of pictured myself after I read this verse fumbling around in some cold, dark cave tripping over myself, falling, scraping my knees, full of naive clumsiness.  I have felt lost here and there throughout my life, especially when I have strayed from well lit paths and safety, or when my heart has been broken by careless human beings.  I can crawl around on my hands and knees, searching desperately for direction.  I can even pitifully find a way around lengthy spaces with my tiny, nervous fingers.  Nervous with the delusional energy that if I just work hard enough I can figure it out all on my own. But I think about how much I will always miss out on when I am blinded or when there is not true light opening up the way.  I do not want to perish in the dark.  I want to see all the ways I need to go.  I want to be enlightened.


I recognize that honest light in my life.  Just yesterday I felt the reassurance and peace and joy that are jam packed into each beam of light as my eyes search my life for direction, purpose and meaning.  I cannot fully describe how grateful  I am for this penetrable light in my life.  I don't want to spend a day longer than I have to in a myriad of tunnels and dark caves.  I feel the light on my face and on my cheeks.  It is warm and bright.  No matter where I go, it will follow me and warm my soul. It is beautiful.  It softens my heart and chases fear away. This is how my God shows me love.  There is nothing worse than feeling confused.  He promises that when we search for Him, a brightness of light will appear with Him and we will not doubt.  


My life just of yesterday is taking another direction than what I supposed it would take.   This is not the first time well lit paths have had the light switch turned off by other human beings' choices.  I know I cannot do anything about it.  But I have a peace that my desires were light filled and good and wholesome.  I feel a very quiet comfort in that knowledge. My heart did not betray me, a person did.  God did not betray me, a person did.  There is a difference.  And I can accept that because that is what God has shown me.