I love to take photographs. It's like I'm trying to
save as many experiences as possible in a photo bank. I want those
experiences to be accessible like an ATM holding cash. Equally, I write
to do the same. I want to do my best to preserve important experiences
that a camera could not capture, but paper can. So when needed, I can
withdraw my much needed memories whenever I'm feeling spendy. I enjoy
recounting important experiences. To be able to dine on them again a
second or third time is satisfying. Tonight I was going through some of
my journals. I'm so grateful I have kept so many throughout my life.
The words I write down to express or describe my experiences are a way
for me to reflect on where I have been and especially to remember what has happened
in my life to help create the person I am today. Here are a few of the
things I have written during influential periods of my life:
10/5/06
(I miscarried twice after my firstborn son. I
had no idea this experience could stir up so much grief. In just a few
short weeks of knowing I was pregnant, the bond between my baby and I had
already grown so strong. Even though I was just 7 weeks along when I lost
my baby, I was still devastated. This speaks to how powerful this
mother-child bond is and the connection and relationship that immediately
begins.) This is what I wrote on a sheet of scrap paper while I was in class
one day trying to process the grief:
Tiny lives
Invisible
Where do you hide?
My heart burned opened wide
Invincible, I wish you were
(I wasn't sure if I would be
able to have more children and with God's help I was finally able to trust Him
and accept whatever the outcome. As soon as I let go, I became pregnant
with my 2nd child Camden. What a wonderful blessing to surrender to God and
know that all things will work out for those who love Him.)
9/5/09
(I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child and I
was trying to make a prayerful decision about where I should live after I found
out my marriage of 10 years would probably be ending. I felt lost and
scared, but I believed with all my heart that if I asked the Lord for guidance
that He would guide me where He felt I needed to go. I knew He would know
what was not only best for me, but what was best for my 3 children. I
wrote this a few minutes after I received an answer to my prayer. I felt
prompted to write it down because the decision was a hard one and I knew I
might question it down the road when barriers arose. This experience was one of
the most powerful spiritual experiences I have ever had. I share it
because in it is my unshakeable testimony that God lives and that Jesus Christ
is my Savior and that the Holy Ghost truly guides us. My Father in Heaven
knows me and has always been by my side.)
I am so grateful for the "knowledge that
surpasses all understanding" that I have been given access to freely
without limitation to nourish my life and my body, mind and spirit. And even
more important to nourish the lives of others, especially my children. Right
now it wells up within me a sensation I cannot fully explain, but one that I
have felt often at very important or difficult times in my life. It is
like a burning, a fire that I can tell comes from a Source far greater than
myself that is never ending. It calms my worries, settles my doubts,
inspires my thoughts and cleanses my soul. I can even begin to appreciate
the dark troubles that hang over my head while I am in the center of this peace
of mind, this burning inside. I know it will dissipate a bit as I go
about my day. It will of course not burn so bright inside, but the lasting
impression on my heart is one I will never forget because I know this is the
way God gives affection and love, it is His lasting fingerprint on my soul.
And it is by far the best gift I can ever experience in my life.
And I know I receive this witness because I know He knows how much I
believe in His name. I am so
grateful my efforts are recognized by Him. It tells me I am on the right
path and that I am doing His will. I pray that I can always be in a place
to receive His Spirit because I know it is always, He is always there for me.
6/25/10
(I wrote this in gratitude
for the 3 amazing people God has sent me. Everyday STILL I am amazed I
have these 3 human beings entrusted to me. Wow!)
My Children
3 Children
3 Spirits
6 Hands
30 fingers
3 endless
futures
30 toes
6 curious
eyes
3 beautiful
blessings
3 reasons I
know God loves me!
5/12/04
(I wrote this
talk for my first born Alex's baptism and kept it in my journal so I could
remember the feelings I felt that day.)
Alex, I love
you. Everyone in this room loves you. Your Heavenly Father especially loves
you. He has provided you a Savior to suffer for your sins and provide an
example so that you can be clean and return to live with Him. He has
given you parents to help teach you the things you need to know to fulfill your
mission here on Earth. He has provided for you a strong body to be able
to do those things He has asked of you. And today Alex, you will receive
another important gift. You will receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost.
And this is because Heavenly Father loves you so much. The Holy
Ghost will be your teacher. I have learned so many things from the Holy
Ghost. He will be your comforter. When I have been scared or hurt,
He has warmed my soul. He will be your guide. This journey has so many
distractions. It can sometimes get
tricky. If you pay attention, He will tell you what to do to keep you
safe. He talks in a very still voice. If you keep the commandments,
He will help you make decisions so that you stay on the path that leads back to
Heavenly Father. He will be your protector. In all these things he will
be able to strengthen you. Heavenly Father wants you to be strong.
He needs you to stay strong so you can make it back to Him. He wants
nothing more than to see you happy. Heavenly Father knows what will make
you happy. If you ever forget any of these things, the Holy Ghost will
remind you. He is always there, as long as you listen to Him and let him guide
you in keeping the commandments of God. "Heavenly Father did not put
you on Earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously" (Elder Nelson).
Make room for Him. It is a very precious gift so protect it.
I hope I can
continue to keep record of my experiences so I can share them with my children
as they get older. I want to try and keep my memories in pristine
condition that involve delicate moments so my children never misunderstand who
I am and what I believe. My journals have been of great use to me
especially to never forget how God's love has shown up in my life. I
write to remember Him.
