Love comes in so many different ways

I have noticed an outpouring of love from my God recently.  He is everywhere.  I feel Him so close.  I can feel Him especially when I am around others.  I feel Him in the exchanges I have with others.  I know that is when His presence is strongest.  I am reading a great book right now called "Pathway to Love".  I just barely started reading it today and I am really enjoying it because it talks about how we can only know God truly through the experience of love.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  Whatever gets in the way of loving also gets in the way of knowing Him.  I can think of a lot of things that can distort or sicken love.  And the same thing goes for loving myself too.  I am guilty of that at times.

I have always noticed when I am feeling the Spirit testify of God's power and truth that there is an abundance of love.  I have heard it described in so many ways.  A warm blanket, a burning in the bosom, a peace.  It is like a metal detector.  I am trying to be more mindful and grateful of those times I can notice a directive,"Dig here!" There is a richness in His love that my words cannot describe.  Like I said, it is everywhere.  Especially when I feel God is close to me.  And I can especially notice I am close to Him when I can easily see others with kindness and openness.  I connect with that love and it is spills over.  It has a ton of energy.  I feel blessed I am able to expend it on my children and in my work with my clients who are in great need on a daily basis.

It has been so beautiful in Utah the last week.  My sister and I drove up the canyon to a place called Sundance.  The sun was so bright.  The skies clear.  The air was perfect.  The leaves were beautiful. Everything worked together so well and it made me feel happy and so grateful.  He provided that experience.  He knows how to create joy.  It was an indication that He is a God of joy and happiness.  He provides beautiful things because He loves me.

I have really been enjoying getting to know an amazing man the last couple weeks.  He is such a pleasant person to be around.  I never hear him talk bad about anyone or tear anyone down.  He is happy.  He is caring.  I appreciate this experience so much.  He is open about how he sees me and what he thinks about me.  The best word I can use to describe how the experience of getting to know him has been so far is sweet.  There are no strange intentions between the two of us.  It is just two people interested in getting to know each other.  I read some of the things he says to me over and over again because his words mean a lot to me.  I haven't know him very long, but I appreciate his thoughts.  I was able to spend some time with him last night unexpectedly.  He was pulled off a flight and happen to have a free evening.  I hesitantly sent him a text that said, "Call me if you want company."  He said he was invited to a birthday party and said he would rather hang out with me. We went to a silly improve show but we laughed a lot anyways.  He said he was excited to go so he could hear me laugh, that my laugh makes him feel happy.  He held my hand everywhere we went.  He is very generous.  We talked till 3 a.m.  When I got home I texted him,"I'm home. Have a good night.  I had fun tonight. Thank you."  He responded, "I had a very nice night as well.  Thank you. You are awesome."  He is awesome too.

I woke up and felt a lot of gratitude for having the opportunity to associate with this kind man.  I thanked my Heavenly Father and for right now  I am just enjoying this experience of developing a friendship.  It's all I need from him right now.  He is really special.

I have loved having a little more emotional energy to express affection and love to my children since I my broken heart has been on the up and up.  I love squeezing them.  I love telling them why they are wonderful people.  I love providing things that they cannot provide for themselves yet.  I'm still kind of shocked that I have 3 children.  My main goal is to love them more than anything else.  I want to reflect to them how lovable and perfect they are so they don't ever forget.

I attended a conference for women in my church last night.  The messages were so powerful.  They talked about the nurturing nature of Christ.  I know that He knows how to care for me because He suffered for my sins and infirmities so he would know what I need.  I think that is why the lesson to ask Him for what I need is such an important one.  He already knows, but the humility and faith included in the asking allows Him to intervene.  The Spirit was so strong.  I was so grateful to be able to feel it and know what was being taught was true.

I have enjoyed so many of my friendships with my girlfriends too.  Women are amazing.  I benefit so much from their love and kindness too.  Life feels very full right now.  And I am so grateful for this fullness.  I don't ever want to take these special moments for granted.

Sundance in the Fall

 Me in the Fall ;)

A very bright day

I woke up this morning and said my prayers before the morning rat race started.  I prayed that I would figure the things out that I need to figure out and to learn how to trust in God more to have the wonderful things in my life unfold the way He wants them to. I am trying my best to move forward with faith and to be optimistic.  I am asking for things.

I hurriedly got my kids ready for school and then jumped in my car to head to work.  Unexpectedly my eyes welled up with tears and I felt an enormous amount of gratitude, joy and peace during my drive.  I cried and cried and drove slow because I didn't want to interfere with this awesome experience.  A lot of the things that were clear in my mind while I drove to work was a complete awareness of so many of the people and events that I have meant so much to me.  I had so much hope for my future and had a peace that my life will be full of wonderful things if I continue to be obedient and trust in the Lord.  I felt joy for the variety of experiences I have had and the unique experiences I will continue to have.

This experience taught me that He is listening and giving me an indication that everything will be fine.  I am on the right path and I know my life will be beautiful.  I am excited for the possibilities.

Do I ask?

Mosiah 8:20  How marvelous are the works of the Savior, and how long doth He suffer with His people: yeah and how blind and impenetrable are the understandings of the children of men; for they do not seek wisdom.

When I read this it helped me understand why it is so important that I am regularly connected to the Lord because if I don't spend enough time being taught by Him, I can really get all wrapped up in my own thoughts regardless if they are true or not.  I can get really far off track.  It is crucial that there is constant knowledge and information coming to us about what it is we need to do and about who we really are from the Lord.

I must seek wisdom, look for it, long for it, study and ponder, search, pray and think.  The Lord knows we are fickle and He is even willing to work with that.  I haven't always sought wisdom, but when I have the Lord has always been merciful, compassionate and giving.  The Lord hears my cries, he answers my prayers.  He has helped me go forward with might when I am scared.

I have at times felt overwhelmed with feeling stuck in something or unsure of the direction I need to go.  I have forgotten to ask the Lord for help because I either forget or don't trust in Him enough.  When I go in this direction for too long, my heart does start to change.  I notice bitterness can fill it much more easily.

Mosiah 10:14 Wroth because they understand not the dealings of the Lord; they were wroth with him upon the waters because they hardened their hearts against the Lord.

1Nephi 15:8 Have ye inquired of the Lord? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?  If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask in faith believing, and ask in faith believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments surely these things shall be made known unto you.  

I think this the beauty of personal revelation between the Lord and ourselves.  This is the order the Lord expects from us in order to enable true communion with Him.  When I don't submit, repent, inquire and trust I begin to boast in my own strength, my heart becomes more hardened. And I am more likely to be found in bondage or sin, and even bitterness can begin to grow against the word of God.

The Lord is adamant about truth being planted in our hearts.  If my heart is ready, which is made possible through seeking, submitting, repenting, trusting, searching and asking…I will  be nourished and taught.  If those seeds can be planted firmly in my heart, not just my mind, chances are I will follow His promptings.  The Lord creates things.  I know he can create beautiful things in my life too.  I am certain what He can construct out of my life will be wonderful.

Jesus Christ's Compassion

I was asked to write a page on one of the stories of Christ and how it relates to me and my life.  I was reading in Mark and the verses that spoke to my heart was where Jesus heals blind Bartimaeus.  In Mark 10:47-52 it reads:

And when he heard it was Jesus of Nazereth, he began to cry out, and say, Jesus, thou Son of David, have mercy on me. And many charged him that he should hold his peace: but he cried that more a great deal, Thou Son of David, have mercy on me.  And Jesus stood still, and commanded him to be called, And they called the blind man, saying unto him, Be of good comfort, rise; he calleth thee. And he, casting away his garment, rose, and came to Jesus. And Jesus Answered and said unto him, What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?  The blind man said unto him, Lord, that I might receive sight.  And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole.  And immediately he received sight, and followed Jesus in the way.

How miraculous, hope filled is this simple set of verses.  I love the messages inside this story.  First of all, Bartimaeus needed the Savior so much that he cried out for him repeatedly.  He was persistent.  He knew he needed help.  I love the deep level of humility illustrated by his asking and asking.  When I am on my knees asking Heavenly Father for help, I am in a better position to receive.  My heart and mind are turned to Him.

The next part I adore about this story is that Jesus asked Bartimaeus what he needed from him.  This very simple, but profound exchange teaches me the importance of asking God for things that I am in need of like my children ask for things from me.  A perfect being having a normal exchange with an ordinary human being.  And with all His might and power, he wants to give me what I believe I am in need of.  For me, that speaks to the great degree of compassion the Savior has for my needs.  He wants to know what I think and feel.  He wants to take care of me.

After Bartimaeus asks for what he needs, Jesus gives him what he needs.  And this because of the great faith he had.  He had enough faith to ask and enough faith to receive.  I know it is my faith in Jesus Christ that will allow Him to make me whole.  He stands ready to provide what I need.  I just need to follow Him and believe in His name.

A Beautiful Heart

I want to make sure I continually make an effort to write about spiritual lessons, ideas, experiences, thoughts and feelings so my children can know how having the Gospel in my life influenced me and strengthened me.  The last couple of days as I was studying my scriptures the words that stood out the most to me were 'hearts purified'.  I love the image this creates in my mind of hearts being purified.  One of the verses cross referenced when I looked up purification was D&C 50:24 "That which of God is light and he that receiveth light and continueth in God, receiveth more light and that light groweth brighter and brighter until that perfect day.

I am having a crisis of faith right now.  Not that I don't believe in God or anything.  I think I am just so hurt by the outcome of the relationship I was in and really for the first time in my life feel pretty angry at the suffering I have to go through.  And for some reason this is the first time I have noticed I want to  direct my anger towards God.  I honestly have to ask myself if He has abandoned me.  I know my circumstances are not His fault. I never felt this way even when some very tragic events unfolded in my life a couple years ago.  I always felt really close to the Lord through these difficulties.  For some reason this loss is overwhelmingly defeating.  I know I won't give up. But to feel forgotten by my Heavenly Father is terrifying. I assume there is a lesson in this very trying situation.  I feel completely alone.

However, I will continue to do what is right.  I will continue to pour my heart out to Him.  I will be obedient.  I joked around around with my sister the other day and said I'm so mad I want to go get a tattoo.  For some reason my degree of humiliation was calling for a tattoo!  Is that why there are so many tattoos out there?  People putting tatts over their pain.  I totally get it now.  I wonder what image would suffice to speak for my pain ;)  It would be something profound, like a triple headed dog.  How cathartic!

I probably won't rebel out of my frustration like I said.  I'm pretty boring that way.  If I have a choice of my heart either being hardened or purified by this experience, I want to choose the later.  I know there is a choice.  I am do my best to submit to whatever it is I need to experience with enough trust in Heavenly Father that He is there even though I don't feel Him near right now.  And regardless of what He can do or not do for me right this minute, I will love Him still.

I believe this is one way my heart will be purified.  If I can continue to do what He expects of me, without any worry of reward or payment, I believe my heart will grow brighter and brighter till that perfect day.  I am committed to my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I am committed to my heart.  I won't ever let go of Him.

I think He can handle a portion of my anger.  My reaction I think is similar to when I started to have contractions with each of my babies and the anesthesiologist could not come fast enough.  One time the anesthesiologist was taking way too long.  He had a few more laboring mothers ahead of me.  I was angry at him for not taking my pain away sooner.  I blamed him.  But it was not his fault. I think this is how I feel right now towards God.  He is wise in His decisions of when and how to intervene.  I am willing to open my heart to that knowledge and put my whole life in His hands.  I know He loves me.  And that is just enough to keep hanging on.  

My Children

I took my 2 year old daughter out for yogurt the other day.  I told her I was taking her on a 'date'.  She asked me what a 'date' was and I said it was a time for us to talk about whatever she wants and for me to learn about her.  I think I was a good date.  I made sure to tell her all the things I love about her.  I said that I loved her cute laugh and how funny she is.  I complimented her hair.  I told her that I loved her very much and that she was wonderful.  I think she even blushed.  Anyways, what an amazing blessing that little woman is to me and will be to the world.