I write to remember...

I love to take photographs. It's like I'm trying to save as many experiences as possible in a photo bank.  I want those experiences to be accessible like an ATM holding cash.   Equally, I write to do the same.  I want to do my best to preserve important experiences that a camera could not capture, but paper can.  So when needed, I can withdraw my much needed memories whenever I'm feeling spendy.  I enjoy recounting important experiences.  To be able to dine on them again a second or third time is satisfying.  Tonight I was going through some of my journals.  I'm so grateful I have kept so many throughout my life.  The words I write down to express or describe my experiences are a way for me to reflect on where I have been and especially to remember what has happened in my life to help create the person I am today.  Here are a few of the things I have written during influential periods of my life:

10/5/06

(I miscarried twice after my firstborn son.  I had no idea this experience could stir up so much grief.  In just a few short weeks of knowing I was pregnant, the bond between my baby and I had already grown so strong.  Even though I was just 7 weeks along when I lost my baby, I was still devastated.   This speaks to how powerful this mother-child bond is and the connection and relationship that immediately begins.) This is what I wrote on a sheet of scrap paper while I was in class one day trying to process the grief:

Tiny lives

Invisible

Where do you hide?

My heart burned opened wide

Invincible, I wish you were

(I wasn't sure if I would be able to have more children and with God's help I was finally able to trust Him and accept whatever the outcome.  As soon as I let go, I became pregnant with my 2nd child Camden. What a wonderful blessing to surrender to God and know that all things will work out for those who love Him.)  

9/5/09

(I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child and I was trying to make a prayerful decision about where I should live after I found out my marriage of 10 years would probably be ending.  I felt lost and scared, but I believed with all my heart that if I asked the Lord for guidance that He would guide me where He felt I needed to go.  I knew He would know what was not only best for me, but what was best for my 3 children.  I wrote this a few minutes after I received an answer to my prayer.  I felt prompted to write it down because the decision was a hard one and I knew I might question it down the road when barriers arose. This experience was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I have ever had.  I share it because in it is my unshakeable testimony that God lives and that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that the Holy Ghost truly guides us.  My Father in Heaven knows me and has always been by my side.)

I am so grateful for the "knowledge that surpasses all understanding" that I have been given access to freely without limitation to nourish my life and my body, mind and spirit.  And even more important to nourish the lives of others, especially my children.  Right now it wells up within me a sensation I cannot fully explain, but one that I have felt often at very important or difficult times in my life.  It is like a burning, a fire that I can tell comes from a Source far greater than myself that is never ending.  It calms my worries, settles my doubts, inspires my thoughts and cleanses my soul.  I can even begin to appreciate the dark troubles that hang over my head while I am in the center of this peace of mind, this burning inside.  I know it will dissipate a bit as I go about my day. It will of course not burn so bright inside, but the lasting impression on my heart is one I will never forget because I know this is the way God gives affection and love, it is His lasting fingerprint on my soul.  And it is by far the best gift I can ever experience in my life.  And I know I receive this witness because I know He knows how much I believe in His name.  I am so grateful my efforts are recognized by Him.  It tells me I am on the right path and that I am doing His will.  I pray that I can always be in a place to receive His Spirit because I know it is always, He is always there for me.  

6/25/10

(I wrote this in gratitude for the 3 amazing people God has sent me.  Everyday STILL I am amazed I have these 3 human beings entrusted to me. Wow!)

My Children

3 Children

3 Spirits

6 Hands

30 fingers

3 endless futures

30 toes

6 curious eyes

3 beautiful blessings

3 reasons I know God loves me!

5/12/04

(I wrote this talk for my first born Alex's baptism and kept it in my journal so I could remember the feelings I felt that day.)

Alex, I love you. Everyone in this room loves you. Your Heavenly Father especially loves you. He has provided you a Savior to suffer for your sins and provide an example so that you can be clean and return to live with Him.  He has given you parents to help teach you the things you need to know to fulfill your mission here on Earth.  He has provided for you a strong body to be able to do those things He has asked of you.  And today Alex, you will receive another important gift.  You will receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost.  And this is because Heavenly Father loves you so much.  The Holy Ghost will be your teacher.  I have learned so many things from the Holy Ghost.  He will be your comforter.  When I have been scared or hurt, He has warmed my soul.  He will be your guide.  This journey has so many distractions.  It can sometimes get tricky.  If you pay attention, He will tell you what to do to keep you safe.  He talks in a very still voice.  If you keep the commandments, He will help you make decisions so that you stay on the path that leads back to Heavenly Father. He will be your protector.  In all these things he will be able to strengthen you.  Heavenly Father wants you to be strong.  He needs you to stay strong so you can make it back to Him.  He wants nothing more than to see you happy.   Heavenly Father knows what will make you happy.  If you ever forget any of these things, the Holy Ghost will remind you. He is always there, as long as you listen to Him and let him guide you in keeping the commandments of God.  "Heavenly Father did not put you on Earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously" (Elder Nelson).  Make room for Him.  It is a very precious gift so protect it.  

I hope I can continue to keep record of my experiences so I can share them with my children as they get older.  I want to try and keep my memories in pristine condition that involve delicate moments so my children never misunderstand who I am and what I believe.  My journals have been of great use to me especially to never forget how God's love has shown up in my life.  I write to remember Him.  

His Passion

Can you remember having an experience when you were overwhelmed with such an intense degree of love from another person, that it left you feeling indebted to him or her?  Especially for something they did for you that you could not do for yourself?  Quite a number of special experiences come to my mind of the people in my life that have loved me, served me and sacrificed for me.  And I was always left asking, "How can I ever repay them or let them really know how their actions have impacted me?  What can I do for them that will let them know just how grateful I am for their love? What could I say to them so they understand that they have changed me forever for the good?"

As I have been confounded by the sweet feelings of the Spirit, communicating God's perfect love and compassion for me, overwhelmed with the magnitude and fullness of light, I have asked myself similar questions.   Aside from feelings of deep gratitude for what He offers me, I am left asking Him, "Please, how can I repay You?!"  He has given me so much. He even sent His own Son, Jesus Christ to atone for my sins and relieve my infirmities. Because of Him, I will live forever!

It is at these moments that I recommit and promise Him that I will give Him my all.   His holy, sacred love energizes me and is what fuels me to do what I know He wants me to do.  I imagine God knows that if He can get even just a small portion of His pure love into my system, I will be able to metabolize those nutrients into even more living energy.  His power is complete.  I understand I do not need anything more than His love to motivate me.  His love is the essential energy for important and dynamic change.

I know He will never force feed me.  Submission of my complete will is all He needs.  To give Him my all and not hold back is everything in this equation of love.  To love something or someone with all our heart is a commitment that is not commonly found.  However, He asks us to come unto Him with all of our heart (Joshua 22:5/Mormon 9:27).  This isn't a half effort He is asking of us.  True commitment to me is pouring out all of myself to Him.  What does this say about receiving?  I cannot just stand around and ask for things.  This is not ever how my needs and deepest desires will be fulfilled.  To give my whole heart to Him, not looking back, trusting Him fully, my complete submission, is how I find Him, really find Him. And in Him I find everything that is worthwhile, good, eternal and true. And this is all He asks of me.

This poem I heard a few days ago that was written by Rumi reminded me of the enthusiasm and passion I feel because of Him.

Passion burns down every branch of exhaustion.  Passion is the Supreme elixir and renews all things.
So don't sigh heavily, your brow bleak with cynicism and boredom.
Dare, Dare to look for Passion, Passion, Passion, Passion.
Futile solutions deceive the force of Passion
They are marshy and stagnant bandits who only extort money through lies
Run my friends, run far far away from all false solutions
Let Divine Passion trump and rebirth you in yourself 

Beauty for Ashes

     What prompted me to take some time to write this entry was listening to a Joyce Myers (she is one of my most favorite preachers) podcast this week. She said quite forcefully and in her gracious southern accent, "Learn to appreciate your trials a whole lot more than you do because they are what finally make you grow up and mature and develop Godly character.  Some day you will realize what you thought was your greatest enemy was indeed your best friend." 

     For example:  After my divorce, I assumed I would probably be married by now.  If it was completely up to me, I would have already chosen a lovely man, married and settled down.  Luckily, God has chosen not to answer that prayer for me, yet.  For whatever purpose, He has kept me just where I am.  I am learning that God is primarily interested in my growth.  I know that if He would have magically given me a spouse (or whatever else that I think I need in order to be happy) instead of allowing me to grow in my current situation, I would be at a very different place than where I gratefully am.  I don't understand His foresight and exact plans, but I do know He loves with perfect precision.  His eye is always on the target.  That target being how to teach me how to have a fullness of joy in Him!  Joyce goes on to say: 

"You can change, I can change. We are always wanting God to change our circumstances. But the thing is is that God is much more interested in changing us, than our circumstances. Because when we change, the more we become like Christ, the more of the holy Spirit we walk in the less we are concerned about our circumstances. Then and only then the devil will go and bother someone he can upset. " She adds, "If we are indeed filled with God's power, no matter what is going on around us, we can be lifted above it."  

 I have logically understood for much of my life how important this concept of enduring well regardless of what is going on around me. I looked at it mostly as a way to just show gratitude and not complain.  I almost heard it as a, "Just put a smile on your face and bear it" type of charge.  I'm learning a lot more about exactly what it is about this eternal principle that is so critical and how it can change me.  I believe it accurately labels the process by which our character and desires can finally be changed.  If I can feel the peace of the Savior in my heart and maintain a level of confidence in who He is while life or people shift and change, then I know nothing can destroy me.  This is where I believe the real work of changing souls happens.  I believe how I let my misfortunes impact me is a measure of how close I am to my Heavenly Father, the trust I have in Him and where my heart is.  

Before being a single mother, I had very little practice in maintaining this position of peace when storms raged around me for such long intervals of time because my life has always been pretty simple.  I'm recognizing more and more the good that has come for my own benefit in God not answering certain prayers.  What this teaches me is to trust in Him completely.  I have so much gratitude for being able to see my trials this way because I have not always held this perspective.  And of course I have my days sometimes when I forget.  However, because He has allowed my circumstances not to change, I have changed.  I can feel it.  Although the costs have been high as far as loss, disappointment, pain, hurt and loneliness; I know my capacity to feel joy has multiplied.  

Some of the payoffs I've experienced as a result of God's certain love and His insistence on believing in Him, even when life doesn't change the way I want it to are:

               *I go to Him a lot more than I use to.  When I have to deal with a difficult person or when difficult feelings surround me, I know this is God's terrain.  This is what He is best at helping us deal with.  He is the expert.  If it is to help me forgive or to help me find peace and direction, this is His department. He specializes in changing us so these experiences can make us more loving.

                 *An increase in compassion for others and their trials.  As I listen to people express their pain, I am better suited to sit with them in their pain and offer hope.  I have a greater desire to relieve the suffering I see around me more than ever before. The Lord has sat with me through many difficult moments.  His abundance of love in my difficult moments have placed a greater desire to do the same for others. I know better how to grieve with those that grieve because He has taught me how.   And when we can grieve with those that grieve and try to comfort those who are in need of comfort, there is a closeness and a bond that is difficult to break.  I have found a reservoir of healing and joy in this task. 

                *The more time that goes on, I am noticing the durability of my relationship with the Lord.  The bond I have with my Lord as a result of Him suffering beside me and lifting my burdens has created a level of closeness and intimacy with Him I would not have had otherwise.  Since I do not have the natural support that can only come from a spouse, I have had to rely completely on Him many times.  I would not replace this degree of closeness for anything else.  I know Him.  He sits beside me, always.  I feel Him in ways I have never before felt Him before. I recognize Him in ways I never seemed to notice before.  

An experience that stands out which illustrates the increase in joy in my life is being brought to my knees on numerous occasions by a feeling of overwhelming love and joy as I communicate with my God through prayer.  The feelings are so powerful.  The bond between my Heavenly Father and I is so deep. I cannot live without His companionship. It is the most important relationship in my life. 

            *He has taken so many weak and unfortunate things in me and made them stronger. My qualities, though far from perfect, have been shaped and bent and broken to reappear in ways that are more like Him.  He has helped me become more of who I truly am because He has helped me become more like Him.  I feel most like myself when I am working with Him. And because of the closeness I feel with God, I am much more willing to submit a ton of things to Him.  I know His character.  This process has been laborious, but necessary.  

             *I have been able to visibly see God's power work in my life and would find it impossible to deny the truthfulness that God lives.  This brings comfort and reassurance to me.  I can more so maintain an attitude of faith in Him because of His handiwork in my life.  I am much more apt to trust in God than in mankind.  People are imperfect.  If I am ever feeling off or lost, I just have to realign with God and I can see so many things before me accurately. 

            *My sense of what is truly valuable and worth my time versus what is not has been more clearly defined.  I can base my sense of self more readily on how God sees me as opposed to how others see me.  As I have made God my center, He has reordered my life.  I'm much more interested in putting time into the things that really matter.  

     I would like to conclude one last statement made by this woman of God.  She said, "I pray that God doesn't give you the things that you want until you know that your confidence is not in them, your security is not in them, your joy is not in them.  You gotta get grounded in God first and then you can have anything that God wants you to have."

    I am learning to be content in God.  I am learning to find my joy in Him.  I am learning to let go of things in Him.  I am learning to trust in Him.  I am learning how to love better in Him. And in return He has given me His happiness, rest and peace.  I feel like now I can finally with honesty look at all my enemies (trials) and say "thank you" for everything they have put me through because what I have received in return is of eternal significance and I am finally seeing how it has been all for my good. 

Doctrine & Covenants 98:3  Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been ^aafflicted shall work together for your ^bgood, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

Romans 5:3   And not only so, but we glory in ^atribulations also: knowing that ^btribulation worketh^cpatience;

A Simple Question...

My sister texted me and explained she was asked to give a talk in church on Sunday and wanted to ask a few people to share with her what they think it means to be truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ?  I answered:

"The verse in the Book of Mormon that typifies what it means to truly be converted to the Gospel of          Jesus Christ for me is Alma 5:19 'I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engrave upon your countenances?'

When we are truly converted, our hearts (desires) are made pure through the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. As our hearts our purified we are better able to, with clean hands, act in God's place.  Instead of using our hands to fulfill our own desires and needs, we begin to submit our will to the Father.  It is in this complete submission that we are slowly changed and where our countenance begins to reflect only Him.  I have learned that if I am truly converted, there will be noticeable actions motivated by righteous desires. These are the direct fruits of being true disciples of Christ.

Matthew 7:16 'Ye shall know them by their fruits.'"

This is my simple testimony. 

Peace rocks!

I was feeling discouraged yesterday.  I know I can attribute my disparity in hope to discouragement ratio to a recent loss of a person I loved dearly. In the middle of my sandpaper grief (ouch!!), I felt completely overwhelmed at the stretch of endless hours that lay ahead of me that day in which I knew I would be guaranteed the opportunity to be called upon to demonstrate my skills as an activities coordinator, mediator, playmate, project operations manager, maid, chef, and CEO (Yes, need I say 'mother'?).  I was starting to 'murmur' ( a word the scriptures use to describe an emotional state comparable to "Oh crap! or Why me!?").   I had settled nicely on the conclusion that day that my strong enough was maybe not so strong enough since I was murmuring, again.  I explained to my children I needed a little break to gather myself.  I ran to my Heavenly Father, to tell on myself for being such a weak and ungrateful human being.  How could I be so ungrateful and despairing after being given so much?!?  "I am much better than this", I thought to myself. I was dumbfounded by my quandary.

I opened my scriptures to where I had left off the day before and what I read in those few minutes opened my heart right up and it was like God wrapped a big, warm, soft blanket around me.  The coldness left me.  The self doubt disappeared.  I quickly felt a calming reassurance that I was okay.  I felt that it was okay to be scared and angry and sad all at the same time.  He validated for me in those few minutes that I was indeed up against a lot.  I heard from Him that I have every reason to feel sadness because of my loss.  He normalized the pain inside me.  And he lifted the burden of my grief by comforting me.

In the section of the scriptures I was reading, Nephi had just lost his father.   He is trying to do what is right and feels an enormous amount of responsibility on his shoulders as a leader of the family.  And on top of that, his older brothers are wrecking havoc by being disobedient and were very angry towards him.  I cannot imagine exactly what this man of God felt like, but I am pretty sure it was somewhere in the ballpark of discouragement, sadness and despair.

2Nephi 4:17-35  Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains.  And mine eyes have beheld great things, yeah, even too great for man

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescensions unto the children of men have visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of my afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. 

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever, yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way-but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yeah, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness.  Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

These scriptures I read cradled me like a mother would a whimpering child.  I could sense the burgeoning despair that was experienced by Nephi.  If a prophet of God, blessed richly and who was very close to the Lord could feel despair, then it is reasonable to expect I will have those days too.  And reading how this man of God relied completely on God to work through it is amazing.  Nephi knew if he relied on himself at this juncture, he would quickly be overcome in his weakness.  The only power that could lift this burden of his was God.  And Nephi verbalized exactly what he needed to make it out alive.  To me, it is a beautiful demonstration of complete trust in God.

I got up from my prayer and time out and proceeded on with the rest of the day.  I could feel God's presence very close to me.  For me it is these very intimate exchanges with God that I learn to trust in Him even more.  I know that God loves me and that I am never alone.  He is always by my side.  I will trust in Him, forever!