Radiation is just not for cancer patients

I had a pretty violent emotional severing of a bond about 2 1/2 years ago. That thick bond created over a 10 year period with my now ex husband did not disappear easily.  Although everything fell apart pretty quickly, my connection to him held on tightly.  I think the experience of loosing him could be best compared to the deadly radiation treatments cancer patients suffer with in order to try and survive.  Each dose killing yet another vital layer of life and health.  I was administered the same deadly compound.  I felt it work throughout my whole body, especially focusing carefully on my heart.  Killing good feelings, my hopes, and my dreams.  Equally, the deadly mixture obliterated the cancerous relationship founded upon far reaching lies.   I am can say all of those things had to be destroyed in order for me to finally be able to survive and truly start anew.   But the part that was most painful was seeing the good things destroyed.  Knowing I had no other choice but to just let the poison move through my veins to end those sacred parts of me.  I tear up even now thinking about the loss.

 It took me months afterwards to process the whole thing because of how quickly everything was wiped out. Even now I notice myself sometimes feeling a bit confused at the devastation of it all.  I no longer recognize the man that picks up my 3 children every few days.  As a result of how traumatic the end came and the deep rooted life we created together, I oftentimes get flashbacks of our life together.  It could be the most random things.  Just today I remembered the drive every morning I would make to drive my son to and from his Montessori school.  This memory is very insignificant but it is these little portions of memory that make up the whole context of the life I once lived.  I guess I forget just how much my life changed in just a short amount of time.  I built an entire dynasty around him.  Everything flowed to and from and around him.  I think that is  what we do when we put all our trust in another human being.  I had just a few short moments to hold together one last time all that we had before I had to say goodbye.  I was not ready to let it all go.  But I had to anyways.  And ever since then I have continued to say good bye on a regular basis to all those things I held so dear.  The goodbyes are becoming less and less necessary because my life now flows to and from and around other things that are entirely separate from him.  I now like it that it is that way.  I see that it is better this way and necessary. I accept it.  Finally.

Healing my heart, one day at a time

Today was an up and down roller coaster.  I woke up feeling a little deprived, the feeling that tells me I am hungry for love or acceptance or contact or meaning.  I basically felt terrible.  (Nothing like a broken heart that makes us feel like we are all alone in the world.)  I went to look for nurturance where I know I can always find it.  I have made a commitment to try and connect with my Heavenly Father daily.  And not the kind of prayers where I ramble off a bunch of requests and then hurry and jump in bed before He has much of an opportunity to respond. (I wonder if he feels like a waitress at a restaurant, filling a tall order.) Today, I knelt down and poured my heart out to Him. I told him how I am sad and alone. I told Him I don't want to be single anymore.  I told him how much I want companionship. I expressed my gratitude for the love that I feel from Him.  I asked for strength to somehow meet all the demands life asks of me that sometimes I don't care to meet.  I was honest with Him.  I felt Him listen. I felt a warmth inside my heart. It filled all the tiny cracks and fractures, the brokenness inside me.  I continued on with my day.  A little sad.  A little pessimistic. A little tired. However, I had a very special experience with a Being who has perfect love for me.  I wasn't going to forget that anytime soon. And if I do, I know what I need to do to be reminded if I should ever forget.  The world sometimes has a way of making us forget that we matter, that we are amazing and that impossible things are possible.  I will always need a little loving guidance to press on.  Thank God!!!

Forgive me

I have a lot on my mind today.  I just got a call from a lady from my ward who wants to hear my perspective as a psychotherapist on the subject of forgiveness.   I quickly scanned my brain to see what turned up that might be telling.  The first thought that popped into my head is that I am constantly trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. My lack of foresight, coupled with my inability to see through steel walls (and some other very, very ordinary qualities) make me uncharacteristically human.  And my humanness unfortunately encourages choices that are not always hero-like.  I  am prone to mistakingly creating painful experiences for myself.  Overtime, as a result of some of these choices, I believe I have collected a general distrust of myself. I should have known….if only.

I think what I have learned most in my work as a therapist related to forgiveness is that the judgement we pass on ourselves for our past or who we are can be immobilizing.  Even as I work with survivors of rape, sexual abuse and infidelity I learn that some of the most pain filled moments do not only include the disorganized experience of being hurt by others. It also includes the innumerable doubt filled moments when we are no longer know or trust who we are. There is the obvious question, "How could someone be so cruel?" But what follows close behind it is,"How could I have been so weak?" Or, "How could I have been so dumb?" 

I relate to feeling all the feelings my clients experience.  I count on myself for a lot of things. There is nothing more troubling than asking myself how I could have been better or done better and then not being satisfied with the answer that I did my best.  Difficult knowing my best is unfortunately not always good enough to save the day or keep me out of harms way.  Can I accept this in myself?  Can I accept this in others?  I will always struggle to forgive, but I know forgiveness will always add to me and not take away.