Radiation is just not for cancer patients

I had a pretty violent emotional severing of a bond about 2 1/2 years ago. That thick bond created over a 10 year period with my now ex husband did not disappear easily.  Although everything fell apart pretty quickly, my connection to him held on tightly.  I think the experience of loosing him could be best compared to the deadly radiation treatments cancer patients suffer with in order to try and survive.  Each dose killing yet another vital layer of life and health.  I was administered the same deadly compound.  I felt it work throughout my whole body, especially focusing carefully on my heart.  Killing good feelings, my hopes, and my dreams.  Equally, the deadly mixture obliterated the cancerous relationship founded upon far reaching lies.   I am can say all of those things had to be destroyed in order for me to finally be able to survive and truly start anew.   But the part that was most painful was seeing the good things destroyed.  Knowing I had no other choice but to just let the poison move through my veins to end those sacred parts of me.  I tear up even now thinking about the loss.

 It took me months afterwards to process the whole thing because of how quickly everything was wiped out. Even now I notice myself sometimes feeling a bit confused at the devastation of it all.  I no longer recognize the man that picks up my 3 children every few days.  As a result of how traumatic the end came and the deep rooted life we created together, I oftentimes get flashbacks of our life together.  It could be the most random things.  Just today I remembered the drive every morning I would make to drive my son to and from his Montessori school.  This memory is very insignificant but it is these little portions of memory that make up the whole context of the life I once lived.  I guess I forget just how much my life changed in just a short amount of time.  I built an entire dynasty around him.  Everything flowed to and from and around him.  I think that is  what we do when we put all our trust in another human being.  I had just a few short moments to hold together one last time all that we had before I had to say goodbye.  I was not ready to let it all go.  But I had to anyways.  And ever since then I have continued to say good bye on a regular basis to all those things I held so dear.  The goodbyes are becoming less and less necessary because my life now flows to and from and around other things that are entirely separate from him.  I now like it that it is that way.  I see that it is better this way and necessary. I accept it.  Finally.