Forgive me

I have a lot on my mind today.  I just got a call from a lady from my ward who wants to hear my perspective as a psychotherapist on the subject of forgiveness.   I quickly scanned my brain to see what turned up that might be telling.  The first thought that popped into my head is that I am constantly trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. My lack of foresight, coupled with my inability to see through steel walls (and some other very, very ordinary qualities) make me uncharacteristically human.  And my humanness unfortunately encourages choices that are not always hero-like.  I  am prone to mistakingly creating painful experiences for myself.  Overtime, as a result of some of these choices, I believe I have collected a general distrust of myself. I should have known….if only.

I think what I have learned most in my work as a therapist related to forgiveness is that the judgement we pass on ourselves for our past or who we are can be immobilizing.  Even as I work with survivors of rape, sexual abuse and infidelity I learn that some of the most pain filled moments do not only include the disorganized experience of being hurt by others. It also includes the innumerable doubt filled moments when we are no longer know or trust who we are. There is the obvious question, "How could someone be so cruel?" But what follows close behind it is,"How could I have been so weak?" Or, "How could I have been so dumb?" 

I relate to feeling all the feelings my clients experience.  I count on myself for a lot of things. There is nothing more troubling than asking myself how I could have been better or done better and then not being satisfied with the answer that I did my best.  Difficult knowing my best is unfortunately not always good enough to save the day or keep me out of harms way.  Can I accept this in myself?  Can I accept this in others?  I will always struggle to forgive, but I know forgiveness will always add to me and not take away.