Gotta Have Faith, Faith, Faith

I notice I may be a little short on faith right now.  I have even started to pray for it the last few nights because it kinda fills like my faith boat has a small leak in it.  I for sure know some of the choices I have made that widen the hole.  I'm trying to repair that as quickly as I can.  For sure some tough experiences have torn at the leak.  But I am figuring that out.  I'm not going to let my boat sink.  I just need to patch up the small leaks.

I know when I am lacking in faith, nothing happens in my life. It's like I am trying to move some object off of the table without even touching it when I am operating without faith in my life.  No matter how hard I stare at it, the object doesn't move an inch.  I can trail off a bunch of words like 'help me', 'please forgive me', give me' without any problem.  But when I am lacking in faith the words feel empty.  They go nowhere.

Today I decided to attend an extra Sunday school class at another ward/church and I am so happy I did.  The teacher started the lesson by saying she is going to be talking about practical applications of faith.  The teacher said she loves to learn from stories in the scriptures where people did everything they were suppose to, but crap still happened. I was pretty excited because that's what I have been trying to work on too.  Believing in Him no matter what comes my way.

She first asked the class how we respond when we experience hurt, disappointment or are dropped by another person.  She asked if we blame someone else, give up, blame ourselves.  Or do we go the Lord to work out the situation.  Her main point was to say that it doesn't matter who drops us or hurts us when we are safely held up by the Lord.  

She made an interesting point about the Israelites who were lost in the wilderness for 40 years.  She said the actual distance they needed to travel to get out of the wilderness was 11 miles. And instead they went around and around that mountain, never advancing in their journey for 40 years! She asked us what are some of the mountains in our lives that we keep going around without getting anywhere.  

Another story in the Bible she used to demonstrate faith was the story of David and Goliath.  I loved what she said about David, how he went forth shouting what he was going to do in faith. He said:

1 Samuel 17:46 This day will the Lord ^adeliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may^bknow that there is a God in Israel.

I love this point.  I am going to try and make more of an effort to say the things I am going to do because of my faith.  What I am willing to do because I believe.  This is how my faith comes alive and grows, by doing things and moving.

She talked about the story of sowing seeds.  If our ground is not prepared, nothing can take root.  I cannot ask the Lord to give me things if I am not reliable.  When in my life have I been reliable and what have I received as a result/what has taken root? VERSUS When in my life has my soil not been prepared, when I have been unreliable and what did I not receive as a result?  I have to be ready to receive what the Lord is trying to plant.  He already has the path made, we just need to be faithfully connected to Him in obedience to benefit.

Other things she said that I loved was the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was asked by the Lord to sacrifice his son Isaac.  The teacher pointed out that she never understood why He would do something like that to Abraham.  She said she really had a hard time with it.  She said she finally realized that all of the things the Lord asks of us is not for Him.  Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham.  There is critical learning to take place about ourselves in our obedience and our sacrifice.  

She shared a personal experience she had in the temple recently.  She said for weeks she had been praying about some concerns and that every time she prayed for it, she would get NOTHING.  She decided to go to the temple and the same thing happened there. She said she left the temple feeling very angry with God because she thought He was messing around with her life.  She asked Him, "Why are you not there for me right now!?" She said a tremendous amount of joy and peace filled her body, joy that she said she had never felt before and a voice said to her, "Be patient with me. I've been patient with you."  She said for her this is the truest form of faith. Knowing He will pull through, continuing to be obedient and going forward regardless of what happens or doesn't happen.  

She compared Eclesiasticus to Job, one man who was given everything and at the end of his life, felt like he had nothing.  And another man, Job, who at a time lost everything but was able to know with complete certainty that his Redeemer lives.  I can see how the experiences God gives us are opportunities to work on our relationship with Him.  I think to know with certainty that He is there for me is priceless.  And each of my difficult experiences have been just one more way to know that He will not drop me. He will always be there for me, even when nobody else can.  

It's all good

Payson, Utah

I sat down on a rock today and stared out at that mountain for quite awhile.  I did as I tell my clients to do and took in a few deep breaths and noticed the smells, sounds, textures and sights around me. It was much more beautiful in person.  Utah is a great place for connecting with nature.  I definitely don't take advantage of the outdoors like I should.  I just wanted to post this picture to capture a moment when everything in my world was just fine.  I live in the best country. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children.  I know God and Jesus Christ live.  I am healthy too.  I love my job.  I have a lot of support and good people in my life that care and love me.  I have all the necessities of this life.  

More gratitude

I just want to write down some of my thoughts about how grateful I am for all the people who have tried to comfort me during this difficult time.  The last time I went through something this difficult I only got through it because of other people and God.  I have been able to share my feelings, doubts, fears, dreams, faith and pain with many of my good friends lately.  I am indebted to them and their listening ear.  Some of those people I want to remember that have been so gracious to me are:

My Bishop: He is a man of service. He is mindful of those around him, including me. He regularly offers to give me blessings and reminds me when I am discouraged that I am a wonderful daughter of God.  The other day I said something that made him laugh. I said, "I wish I could just be one of those people that just give up." He said, "Jessica, you won't ever give up because you have too strong of a testimony." I appreciate his feedback.  And its true. I won't ever give up.
My home teacher: He always checks in with me to see how I am doing.  He is also a good reminder of men that serve faithfully in the Gospel and preside over their families in righteousness. I sometimes think that its a big myth.  But his example tells me there are men who are loyal to their covenants and take being a father and a husband very seriously. And he has an extreme love of the Gospel. His understanding of it is inspiring.
Monica: My sister is very similar to me and gets most everything about me.  She told me today that I was stronger than her.  She said that I do things she would never be able to do.  This has mentioned this on a few occasions. I don't realize this about myself, but when I get these messages about myself, it helps me see me in a more realistic way.  These comments are very supportive.  She is always willing to listen and share her thoughts with me.  I feel important when she can listen to all my drama even though it is probably boring.
My mother: My mother has relieved at least 50% of the burden of being a single parent. She helps watch my kids, she cooks wonderful meals for me.  She sometimes washes my laundry.  I don't think I have ever heard her complain since I moved my 3 children into her home almost 3 years ago.  This is Christ-like behavior and I will forever be indebted to her.  She was meant to be my mom.
Josefina:  This woman would never judge me, despite how retarded I can be.  She checks in with me sometimes 3 times a day.  I can call her anytime I need her. And when I text,"I need your help!", she calls me back within a few minutes.  She helps me feel not so alone.  She makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and not take myself so seriously.  Tonight she told me when she called me that she looks up to me because I am strong.  I appreciate hearing that.  I am grateful that I can be an example to other women.
Lindsay: I have known her since I was in 9th grade.  We have similar senses of humor.  She has had a tough life, but she has maintained her character despite it all.  When I talked to her yesterday, she said she wanted to let me know that I am "so good".  I laughed and asked her what she meant. She said out of out of everyone she has met in her life, I am one of the most decent people she has known.  How kind is that?! I accepted it.  I will not take myself for granted.  With all the negative bombardment from life, I so appreciate this kind of verbal support. It means so much to me.
Angie:  This girl saved my life in Arizona.  She was with me every minute basically to get me out of a bad situation. And then she always was very direct about how she saw my ex husband and how he was a "snake" and to never, ever trust him.  I relied on her so much the past 3 years.   She is direct. She will always be direct with me, even if it hurts.  She will always listen to all my stories. The phrase she has repeated to me a dozen times since I have started this single journey is, "You will be just fine".  She said if I can survive what Clayton did to me, I can survive anything.  I think that is true.
Angela: She is a therapist just like me.   Perhaps that is why we get along so well. We met probably 10 years ago. She has been with me throughout many of my trials. She is kind to me.  She has wonderful advice.  She is an emotionally healthy woman.  And she cares about me.  She is even coming for a visit in September.
Sonia:  I have known Sonia for about 12 years.  I touch base with her every few months.  Today when I talked with her she told me I needed to get a grip.  She said I make her laugh a lot.  That is one of the best compliments you can pay me.
Tanya:  I have known Tanya for a couple years since I moved here to Utah.   We are both divorced, single moms and therapists who have had a bad start with bad marriages and are looking forward to a 2nd chance. She is open with me about her life and her struggles. I appreciate her honesty.  She told me that she really values my friendship and talking to me.  Thank you.
Kristin:  Her and I were hanging out a couple days ago and let me share my feelings about my relationship.  She said I did not seem as happy when I was dating Tyson as I was before I got serious with him.  I know people will have a lot of things to say after a relationship ends.  But I need to hear my friends' honesty.  She cared enough about me to tell me.  She is married now so I presume I will see less of her, but I appreciate how hard she tries to live the Gospel and be happy despite her difficult divorce. She seems really happy.


Those are just some of the people I have been able to connect with in the last few days.  They are a varied group, all with something to offer and teach me.  I love people.  My connections with others sustain me.  I have been praying to receive more opportunities to meet people and socialize.  Just the last week since my break up I have been invited to parties, bbq's, concerts, Seven Peaks, and Las Vegas x 2.  I am excited for my life to start anew.  I remembered where I was after my divorce. I was excited to take part in life and had an optimistic view of the future.  I was at peace. I was close to God. I  knew I had a lot to learn. I will get back there. And it will probably be even better.

Promptings, psychics and prayer

I think we all want to know what is going to happen in the future. For me, I like to know what might happen so I can either prepare or know what choices I need to make to get to the right destination.  I know we are given promptings and feelings that give us some clues about what will be brought to pass.    For example, I knew very early on when I got pregnant with my first child that my baby was a boy.  I would tell people that I sense a very strong male presence.  Funny thing, he is a force to reckon with to this day 8 years later.  For some reason I was given that connection to my son Alex before he was even born.  I look back and think about that experience and it helps me know that he was sent to me for specific reasons and that Heavenly Father has a great plan.  This experience helps me know that there are reasons I am his mother and when things get tough, this knowledge gives me determination and purpose.

I have also been given feelings of warning about events that may occur so I can prepare appropriately.  A year before I found out about my ex husband's infidelity, I told him I felt like something really bad was going to happen to our family.  I remember sitting down with him to tell him I think we should really prioritize our lives and felt an urgency to do so.  I didn't receive exact information about what might happen if we didn't get things in order, but what I sensed would happen if things were not put in order was monumental.  And looking back I felt those same warnings probably starting when he became involved with other women behind my back.  I remembered crying to him once that I felt like we needed to move to Utah (where all of my family resides), that I felt like my time in Arizona was spent, that I no longer should be there.  And I knew nothing about his lies and deceit at the time. I never assumed that the reason I felt like Arizona was finished was because our family would be ending a year later due to his poor choices.

 I also prayed about whether I should move to Utah more than a year later after I found out about his infidelity.  I knew with 100% confidence after I said that prayer I must leave Arizona.  I remember after saying that prayer and receiving confirmation of my choice that the situation I was in was very serious.  A couple of weeks later, I had my house packed up and ready to move.  It was hard to leave my beautiful home and life behind, but that confirmation I recieved was direction from Heavenly Father about my future. He knew something I didn't know.  I put all my trust in Him, even though I was so scared to take that leap of faith, I acted fast.  That lesson in and of itself is a lesson that will change my life forever.  If I am given a prompting, I better act.  His promptings are time sensitive.  I found out months later with some court battles that if I left a week too late, I could have been stuck in Arizona and unable to leave.  I don't even want to know what would have happened if I didn't listen.

When I found out that the 'other woman' had become pregnant with twins, I was completely ruined.  I prayed to my Heavenly Father about my desires to at least try and be a family if only to give it my best attempt regardless of what my ex would choose.  I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter when I found out about this pregnancy. I was not sure how I would sustain myself to be healthy and strong.  I remember praying to Heavenly Father about the impact these twins lives would have on my own children, regardless of whether my marriage would end or not.  I was pained to even imagine how this would cause our children to feel. I asked God to consider my children's well being against the births of the other women's children.  I begged for Him to make this all go away.  I felt a prompting that I should not spend too much energy on this worry.  I remember telling my sister what I felt about the twins, that I was told not to worry. The only explanation at the time I could even think was that maybe she was lying.  But she had offered to release the ultrasound to us from the doctor to prove her pregnancy. I didn't feel like she was lying.  So I put my pain and worry about those twins on hold. I needed to get through my pregnancy. About a week after my baby was born, the other woman called to tell us her twins were still born.  Although that event in and of itself was very sad and only added to the destruction and havoc, I soon understood why I was told to be at peace with it all.   My Heavenly Father knew the future. 

I have had many other small miracles happen in my life that have helped me be in the right place and right time.  I have had promptings that were instrumental in getting me where I need to go.  I can say the really good things in my life have happened as a result of paying close attention to my instinct, which I know is God speaking to me.  All the tiny choices that resulted in my choice of profession and education began as small promptings.  Even particular friends I have met have come as a result of me acting on a suggestion.  Some of these friendships have served important purposes in my life and these friends have been exactly what I needed.  I do not look at all of these events as pure chance or coincidences. I am who I am today because I have stayed close to the Lord.  If there is anything decent or unique about me, it is because he has orchestrated events and experiences in my life to help me be who I am.  And I can't help feeling like who I am today or who I am developing into today is to prepare me for where I need to be in the future.  I want to get there.   I have a feeling that it is important.  I am important. 

Yesterday I had a woman tell me to ask her anything I wanted to know because she said she has always had a close connection to the other side since she was young.  Just to play around, I asked her if I would have another baby. She paused for a moment, and then said, "16 months and it will be a girl."  I don't really believe in psychics. And I don't really think I need to, even if they did know something I didn't know.  I know everything will happen the way it is suppose to if I pay attention.  I forget this a lot.  But when I remember everything that has happened in my life, I have always been taken care of.  I have always been given direction.  All I need to do is continue to submit to Him and trust that He will deliver. 

And maybe if I am lucky, I will have that baby girl. 

My Source of Light

I was reading my scriptures yesterday and found a bucket full of delight in this verse:


2 Nephi 31:3  For my soul delighteth in ^aplainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the ^bunderstanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their ^clanguage, unto their understanding.

And these verses

2 Nephi 32:3 ^aAngels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, ^bfeast upon the ^cwords of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will ^dtell you all things what ye should do.

 4 Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ^aask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

 5 For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will ^ashow unto you all things what ye should do.

 6 Behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he shall ^amanifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.

 7 And now I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the ^aunbelief, and the wickedness, and the ignorance, and the ^bstiffneckedness of men; for they will ^cnot search ^dknowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in ^eplainness, even as plain as word can be.

I sort of pictured myself after I read this verse fumbling around in some cold, dark cave tripping over myself, falling, scraping my knees, full of naive clumsiness.  I have felt lost here and there throughout my life, especially when I have strayed from well lit paths and safety, or when my heart has been broken by careless human beings.  I can crawl around on my hands and knees, searching desperately for direction.  I can even pitifully find a way around lengthy spaces with my tiny, nervous fingers.  Nervous with the delusional energy that if I just work hard enough I can figure it out all on my own. But I think about how much I will always miss out on when I am blinded or when there is not true light opening up the way.  I do not want to perish in the dark.  I want to see all the ways I need to go.  I want to be enlightened.


I recognize that honest light in my life.  Just yesterday I felt the reassurance and peace and joy that are jam packed into each beam of light as my eyes search my life for direction, purpose and meaning.  I cannot fully describe how grateful  I am for this penetrable light in my life.  I don't want to spend a day longer than I have to in a myriad of tunnels and dark caves.  I feel the light on my face and on my cheeks.  It is warm and bright.  No matter where I go, it will follow me and warm my soul. It is beautiful.  It softens my heart and chases fear away. This is how my God shows me love.  There is nothing worse than feeling confused.  He promises that when we search for Him, a brightness of light will appear with Him and we will not doubt.  


My life just of yesterday is taking another direction than what I supposed it would take.   This is not the first time well lit paths have had the light switch turned off by other human beings' choices.  I know I cannot do anything about it.  But I have a peace that my desires were light filled and good and wholesome.  I feel a very quiet comfort in that knowledge. My heart did not betray me, a person did.  God did not betray me, a person did.  There is a difference.  And I can accept that because that is what God has shown me.