I write to remember...

I love to take photographs. It's like I'm trying to save as many experiences as possible in a photo bank.  I want those experiences to be accessible like an ATM holding cash.   Equally, I write to do the same.  I want to do my best to preserve important experiences that a camera could not capture, but paper can.  So when needed, I can withdraw my much needed memories whenever I'm feeling spendy.  I enjoy recounting important experiences.  To be able to dine on them again a second or third time is satisfying.  Tonight I was going through some of my journals.  I'm so grateful I have kept so many throughout my life.  The words I write down to express or describe my experiences are a way for me to reflect on where I have been and especially to remember what has happened in my life to help create the person I am today.  Here are a few of the things I have written during influential periods of my life:

10/5/06

(I miscarried twice after my firstborn son.  I had no idea this experience could stir up so much grief.  In just a few short weeks of knowing I was pregnant, the bond between my baby and I had already grown so strong.  Even though I was just 7 weeks along when I lost my baby, I was still devastated.   This speaks to how powerful this mother-child bond is and the connection and relationship that immediately begins.) This is what I wrote on a sheet of scrap paper while I was in class one day trying to process the grief:

Tiny lives

Invisible

Where do you hide?

My heart burned opened wide

Invincible, I wish you were

(I wasn't sure if I would be able to have more children and with God's help I was finally able to trust Him and accept whatever the outcome.  As soon as I let go, I became pregnant with my 2nd child Camden. What a wonderful blessing to surrender to God and know that all things will work out for those who love Him.)  

9/5/09

(I was 9 months pregnant with my 3rd child and I was trying to make a prayerful decision about where I should live after I found out my marriage of 10 years would probably be ending.  I felt lost and scared, but I believed with all my heart that if I asked the Lord for guidance that He would guide me where He felt I needed to go.  I knew He would know what was not only best for me, but what was best for my 3 children.  I wrote this a few minutes after I received an answer to my prayer.  I felt prompted to write it down because the decision was a hard one and I knew I might question it down the road when barriers arose. This experience was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences I have ever had.  I share it because in it is my unshakeable testimony that God lives and that Jesus Christ is my Savior and that the Holy Ghost truly guides us.  My Father in Heaven knows me and has always been by my side.)

I am so grateful for the "knowledge that surpasses all understanding" that I have been given access to freely without limitation to nourish my life and my body, mind and spirit.  And even more important to nourish the lives of others, especially my children.  Right now it wells up within me a sensation I cannot fully explain, but one that I have felt often at very important or difficult times in my life.  It is like a burning, a fire that I can tell comes from a Source far greater than myself that is never ending.  It calms my worries, settles my doubts, inspires my thoughts and cleanses my soul.  I can even begin to appreciate the dark troubles that hang over my head while I am in the center of this peace of mind, this burning inside.  I know it will dissipate a bit as I go about my day. It will of course not burn so bright inside, but the lasting impression on my heart is one I will never forget because I know this is the way God gives affection and love, it is His lasting fingerprint on my soul.  And it is by far the best gift I can ever experience in my life.  And I know I receive this witness because I know He knows how much I believe in His name.  I am so grateful my efforts are recognized by Him.  It tells me I am on the right path and that I am doing His will.  I pray that I can always be in a place to receive His Spirit because I know it is always, He is always there for me.  

6/25/10

(I wrote this in gratitude for the 3 amazing people God has sent me.  Everyday STILL I am amazed I have these 3 human beings entrusted to me. Wow!)

My Children

3 Children

3 Spirits

6 Hands

30 fingers

3 endless futures

30 toes

6 curious eyes

3 beautiful blessings

3 reasons I know God loves me!

5/12/04

(I wrote this talk for my first born Alex's baptism and kept it in my journal so I could remember the feelings I felt that day.)

Alex, I love you. Everyone in this room loves you. Your Heavenly Father especially loves you. He has provided you a Savior to suffer for your sins and provide an example so that you can be clean and return to live with Him.  He has given you parents to help teach you the things you need to know to fulfill your mission here on Earth.  He has provided for you a strong body to be able to do those things He has asked of you.  And today Alex, you will receive another important gift.  You will receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost.  And this is because Heavenly Father loves you so much.  The Holy Ghost will be your teacher.  I have learned so many things from the Holy Ghost.  He will be your comforter.  When I have been scared or hurt, He has warmed my soul.  He will be your guide.  This journey has so many distractions.  It can sometimes get tricky.  If you pay attention, He will tell you what to do to keep you safe.  He talks in a very still voice.  If you keep the commandments, He will help you make decisions so that you stay on the path that leads back to Heavenly Father. He will be your protector.  In all these things he will be able to strengthen you.  Heavenly Father wants you to be strong.  He needs you to stay strong so you can make it back to Him.  He wants nothing more than to see you happy.   Heavenly Father knows what will make you happy.  If you ever forget any of these things, the Holy Ghost will remind you. He is always there, as long as you listen to Him and let him guide you in keeping the commandments of God.  "Heavenly Father did not put you on Earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously" (Elder Nelson).  Make room for Him.  It is a very precious gift so protect it.  

I hope I can continue to keep record of my experiences so I can share them with my children as they get older.  I want to try and keep my memories in pristine condition that involve delicate moments so my children never misunderstand who I am and what I believe.  My journals have been of great use to me especially to never forget how God's love has shown up in my life.  I write to remember Him.