Peace rocks!

I was feeling discouraged yesterday.  I know I can attribute my disparity in hope to discouragement ratio to a recent loss of a person I loved dearly. In the middle of my sandpaper grief (ouch!!), I felt completely overwhelmed at the stretch of endless hours that lay ahead of me that day in which I knew I would be guaranteed the opportunity to be called upon to demonstrate my skills as an activities coordinator, mediator, playmate, project operations manager, maid, chef, and CEO (Yes, need I say 'mother'?).  I was starting to 'murmur' ( a word the scriptures use to describe an emotional state comparable to "Oh crap! or Why me!?").   I had settled nicely on the conclusion that day that my strong enough was maybe not so strong enough since I was murmuring, again.  I explained to my children I needed a little break to gather myself.  I ran to my Heavenly Father, to tell on myself for being such a weak and ungrateful human being.  How could I be so ungrateful and despairing after being given so much?!?  "I am much better than this", I thought to myself. I was dumbfounded by my quandary.

I opened my scriptures to where I had left off the day before and what I read in those few minutes opened my heart right up and it was like God wrapped a big, warm, soft blanket around me.  The coldness left me.  The self doubt disappeared.  I quickly felt a calming reassurance that I was okay.  I felt that it was okay to be scared and angry and sad all at the same time.  He validated for me in those few minutes that I was indeed up against a lot.  I heard from Him that I have every reason to feel sadness because of my loss.  He normalized the pain inside me.  And he lifted the burden of my grief by comforting me.

In the section of the scriptures I was reading, Nephi had just lost his father.   He is trying to do what is right and feels an enormous amount of responsibility on his shoulders as a leader of the family.  And on top of that, his older brothers are wrecking havoc by being disobedient and were very angry towards him.  I cannot imagine exactly what this man of God felt like, but I am pretty sure it was somewhere in the ballpark of discouragement, sadness and despair.

2Nephi 4:17-35  Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and sins which do so easily beset me.

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains.  And mine eyes have beheld great things, yeah, even too great for man

O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescensions unto the children of men have visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of my afflictions?

And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. 

Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever, yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God and the rock of my salvation.

O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way-but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yeah, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness.  Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

These scriptures I read cradled me like a mother would a whimpering child.  I could sense the burgeoning despair that was experienced by Nephi.  If a prophet of God, blessed richly and who was very close to the Lord could feel despair, then it is reasonable to expect I will have those days too.  And reading how this man of God relied completely on God to work through it is amazing.  Nephi knew if he relied on himself at this juncture, he would quickly be overcome in his weakness.  The only power that could lift this burden of his was God.  And Nephi verbalized exactly what he needed to make it out alive.  To me, it is a beautiful demonstration of complete trust in God.

I got up from my prayer and time out and proceeded on with the rest of the day.  I could feel God's presence very close to me.  For me it is these very intimate exchanges with God that I learn to trust in Him even more.  I know that God loves me and that I am never alone.  He is always by my side.  I will trust in Him, forever!