I want to make sure I continually make an effort to write about spiritual lessons, ideas, experiences, thoughts and feelings so my children can know how having the Gospel in my life influenced me and strengthened me. The last couple of days as I was studying my scriptures the words that stood out the most to me were 'hearts purified'. I love the image this creates in my mind of hearts being purified. One of the verses cross referenced when I looked up purification was D&C 50:24 "That which of God is light and he that receiveth light and continueth in God, receiveth more light and that light groweth brighter and brighter until that perfect day.
I am having a crisis of faith right now. Not that I don't believe in God or anything. I think I am just so hurt by the outcome of the relationship I was in and really for the first time in my life feel pretty angry at the suffering I have to go through. And for some reason this is the first time I have noticed I want to direct my anger towards God. I honestly have to ask myself if He has abandoned me. I know my circumstances are not His fault. I never felt this way even when some very tragic events unfolded in my life a couple years ago. I always felt really close to the Lord through these difficulties. For some reason this loss is overwhelmingly defeating. I know I won't give up. But to feel forgotten by my Heavenly Father is terrifying. I assume there is a lesson in this very trying situation. I feel completely alone.
However, I will continue to do what is right. I will continue to pour my heart out to Him. I will be obedient. I joked around around with my sister the other day and said I'm so mad I want to go get a tattoo. For some reason my degree of humiliation was calling for a tattoo! Is that why there are so many tattoos out there? People putting tatts over their pain. I totally get it now. I wonder what image would suffice to speak for my pain ;) It would be something profound, like a triple headed dog. How cathartic!
I probably won't rebel out of my frustration like I said. I'm pretty boring that way. If I have a choice of my heart either being hardened or purified by this experience, I want to choose the later. I know there is a choice. I am do my best to submit to whatever it is I need to experience with enough trust in Heavenly Father that He is there even though I don't feel Him near right now. And regardless of what He can do or not do for me right this minute, I will love Him still.
I believe this is one way my heart will be purified. If I can continue to do what He expects of me, without any worry of reward or payment, I believe my heart will grow brighter and brighter till that perfect day. I am committed to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am committed to my heart. I won't ever let go of Him.
I think He can handle a portion of my anger. My reaction I think is similar to when I started to have contractions with each of my babies and the anesthesiologist could not come fast enough. One time the anesthesiologist was taking way too long. He had a few more laboring mothers ahead of me. I was angry at him for not taking my pain away sooner. I blamed him. But it was not his fault. I think this is how I feel right now towards God. He is wise in His decisions of when and how to intervene. I am willing to open my heart to that knowledge and put my whole life in His hands. I know He loves me. And that is just enough to keep hanging on.
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